Just Keep Swimming

I was still riding on my high from last night when I woke this morning. Only to find out that my mom did not take the same thing from our conversation as I had. Thankfully, it didn’t ruffle my feathers. I know how she is with me and honestly, I was surprised that it ended so well last night. So, to find out that we are on opposite sides of the door again, it’s to be expected. My mom is who she is and I can’t change her. I also can’t keep seeking her approval.

I feel really good about what I had to say last night. I did not argue or get smart with my mom. I said what needed to be said in a respectful manner. I spoke my truth, I was open and honest and I can only control myself. Stephie controls Stephie, that’s it. I know what I’m doing, I know why I’m doing it and I am damn proud of myself. Yes, would it be incredible to have the support of my family? Of course. Does is change anything? No, because this is how it’s always been. I just can’t accept it anymore.

I think I’ve had the best talk with God ever last night. I received clarity that was needed and I am fully committed to my role in this process. I am getting stronger and know I’m being guided by Him. I continuously come against opposition from people that mean the most. I speak of something and sometimes they look at me like I am speaking another language. It hurts to see that they’re so stuck in their ways that they can’t even entertain my new way of thinking. My Nana is wonderful but, she will always stand behind my mom. That’s fine, at least I know what I’m up against.

I tried to get my Nana to understand where I am coming from today. Instead I was told I should just leave things in the past. I had to explain how relevant those things are to my present, how they’ve effected my life in ways I never paid attention to before. I have to work through them to heal. I was then told that I should go speak to a professional because neither my mom or Nana ate professionals at this. Nana told me a story of one time a creepy man was following her on the bus when she was young and she told her mom when she got to their store, my great grandma didn’t offer comfort, instead she asked my Nana what she wanted her to do about it. I think that was meant to be more than a story, I think that was the question that was being posed to me as well.

I feel like in my pursuit of happiness I am waging war with my family. Like to be the authentic version of me, I have to lose them. My whole life I have always chosen family over me and I’ve suffered for it. I can’t anymore. I’ve lost too much and the only solace I get is the fact that I am learning from it and fighting to not repeat my mistakes. I don’t comprehend why working on being the best version of me, of wanting a better life for me and my babies is such a bad thing. Aren’t we supposed to want to surpass our parents? Isn’t that the goal?

It wasn’t the day I expected it to be. It was the day that I was dealt. I took what was thrown my way and made the most of it. I stood up for myself and did not back down. I know what I’m working to accomplish, I know what the goal is. I wish I had more support but, the lack of will not prevent me from moving forward. Little steps, little accomplishments, slowly but surely I’ll get to where I’m meant to be. I’m working on me and what I have control over, God’s handling the rest. My day was not ruined today. I have blind faith and though it may be tested daily, I will not fail. I have what it takes to succeed, always have and always will. Gotta keep thinking happy thoughts and pray that I find a support system so I don’t have to do this alone.

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