Out In The Open

I just did something. Something that I can’t believe I did. I wish I could share the good news, but, I have no doubt it will be. Um, I made a huge move, like gigantic to the success of this journey. I am so at peace right now.

I went to my mom’s with Miah after we grabbed food. I haven’t seen or spoken to her in a while. We were talking about tv and superficial stuff and somehow the talk turned. We ended up being there for hours. I was able to express my thoughts and feelings, things that I’ve wanted to say, things that needed to be said. I explained this stage of self growth that I’m in and how I need her support, just support, not opinions.

We addressed some things from the past, I was able to clearly and eloquently explain how those traumas affect me and that I am fully aware now. She put up resistance but then heard what I was saying. Reminding her that I’m not placing blame. I’m just trying to understand my truth and I can’t sugar coat it for someone else’s benefit. I have to admit my issues because that’s the starting point. From there I am able to trace it back to the root and hopefully I can figure out how to let it all go. Forgive myself for holding on to these things that were never meant to play such a lasting role in my life.

I was able to express how lonely I feel, how alone I am in this journey and that, I know what I am doing. I’m not some young girl anymore. I am a grown woman and I am doing what’s best for me. She said that she’s only wanted what’s best for me, that she didn’t want me to get hurt. I had to remind her that I need to get hurt sometimes, I have to fail to learn or to find another path. We spoke of cheerleading, I didn’t make the team Freshman year but I found Colorguard instead and that was where I excelled. We then brought up Miss Indio, and although I didn’t win, I gave them a run for their money and I think I won, that tally lady hated me. Regardless, that night I went to my Senior Homecoming in the prettiest dress I’ve ever owned with my hair and makeup professionally done and my handsome boyfriend. Lemonade out of lemons.

I told her that what I am doing now is hard. I don’t know what’s going to come of it. I am going to make mistakes, I am probably going to get hurt, but, I need to do this. I need to live my life for me and how I want it to be. I need unconditional love. We talked about so many different conclusions I’ve come to thus far. The things that I am working on to try to break the cycle. At the end, she understood.

All I’ve ever wanted was my mom to be proud of me, to have her approval and I’ve not gotten it because she expected more from me. That has caused so many issues in my relationships. She now knows, I’m not looking for that nod of approval anymore. I only need her support, with or without it, I’m still going to keep moving forward – my way. At the end she told me to do what I need to do to find me. That she’s here for me and she loves me. She’s proud of what I’ve done. Can I just tell you that I felt like I was ten feet tall!

Being my realest, truest self allowed me to do something I’ve never been able to do. I put my ego aside. I was vulnerable and raw, I spoke rationally and from the heart. I explained that I understand the role I’ve played in all this and all I want is to heal my past so I can welcome my future in a healthy way. My mom was defensive at first but then she was receptive and I am so very thankful. I pray that God continues to guide me in the right direction.

Pastor Obed stirred something inside me today. My spirit is fulfillment but if my soul is needy I will always chase things I can never catch and my body will never be satisfied. In Matthew 11:30, Jesus said, “For my yoke is easy and my burden is light”. Pastor said what in the natural seems impossible becomes easy and light if you’re yoked up with God. God designed a perfect plan of my life, it doesn’t require me to be perfect, it requires me to be obedient. So, that’s what I am doing. God has plans for me, it’s not my role to steer the ship, it’s my role and responsibility to put my faith in Him, to follow His lead in faith that He will lead me to live my best life.

I am more me today than I have ever been. I have made progress in being who I want to be and not just letting my words do the talking. I spoke my truth, I was inspired by the word of God, and I’m loved by my loves. I’m ending this evening on a good note.

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