Not Alright, But Okay

I’m not alright, but, I am okay. I haven’t cried today so, that is a plus. I am slowly refocusing my attention back where it needs to be. Again, I am human. I do really well and then he says something mean and I spiral downward. It’s proof that I have more work to do. One day it won’t be this way, I just pray to get there doesn’t mean I will no longer care. I can’t concern myself with that right now though.

I am ready to make a big move. I’ve been contemplating all day. I know I want to dye my hair and I definitely need some tattoos but, I’m thinking even bigger. I have to keep my life moving. I have money saved up, I found the perfect house but, I don’t have the credit to get it. I am frustrated. So, while I pray and manifest on that, I’ve been thinking about me. I know I want a new job but, all the ones available are low balling people.

Thinking about it, I don’t want a job. I want a career, maybe own my own business. I’m so scared though. I know I have a good head on my shoulders, I’m just so fearful of failing that I don’t even want to try. Maybe I should go back to school. It will be hard, a challenge sounds rather good at the moment. The thing is my family will be supportive but, not supportive. We need our own space to do our own thing. I could put the money I have into rent somewhere but, its seems like a waste to have saved up that much to throw it into a rental property.

Anyways, career, school, entrepreneurship. I think this has to be my move. I think I need to jump and see if I fall. Honestly, at this point, what else do I have to lose? I think I need to clear my head. I wish I could just get away from here. Take a mini vacation. With the state closing stuff down again, I don’t see how that’s possible. It’s too hot to take a road trip with Raiyhn. Maybe it’s time to get the girls together. Have a few drinks and let loose.

I don’t know. I’m just thinking out loud. All I know is my world isn’t over. I’m not giving up no matter how hard things get. I’m so tired of people walking all over me. I’m not a doormat. So, it’s time I stop acting like one. Let’s all remember that my goal this year is Happy & Healthy 2020. Although happy may mean something completely different than it did when I said it initially, it can still come true.

Please, if you’re following me, I know I’m going through it right now and if you couldn’t tell, I’m navigating my way through a breakup. I can’t believe I even typed those words. Just know, that man, he’s loved me more than anyone in this whole world, and I mean anyone. I am the woman I am today in most part because of him. He found me broken and lost, he showed my son love that he’s never had before, he gave us the family we always wanted. We’ve gone through so much and grown through it as well. Sometimes in life, we don’t realize how much our past creeps into our present, how much our determination to be right can mess up the will to work together. We both made mistakes and unfortunately this is where we are right now. I still wish him the best, I am still his biggest fan, I am grateful and blessed for everything he did for me, for always believing in me. I will be okay, because he showed me that no matter what life throws at you, you can choose to survive.

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