I am down but not out. I’m taking hits, but, the round is nearing completion and then I’ll have a moment to regain my composure and come back swinging. It’s in the moments that almost break you that you realize your strength. The clouds break and things can be seen clearly, sometimes revealing a truth you’ve been hiding from. Sometimes a person’s greatness lies in what you see in them.
I think I put too much pressure on how things should go and when it doesn’t happen that way, I kind of lose it. There’s something to be said about the beauty in chaos, about the perfection of imperfections, about letting things find their way instead of forcing it. God put something in my heart and I tried to make it happen how and when I saw fit. Maybe He just showed me the piece but, the timing was all wrong. After all, He did bless me with Jeremiah in the most trying of ways and since Miah was my reward for all the bullshit, I gladly accepted everything I had to go through to have him.
It’s crazy what a selfish world we live in. I say I’m manifesting and people think they know what it’s for. I can hope and pray and wish all day but, free will prevents people from doing anything they don’t want to. Even if magic worked, why would I want to force my wants onto someone else? Um, if I left my son’s dad and definitely didn’t force him to stay, I’m not about to do it to anyone else. What’s meant for me will find a way, remember? My goals are not another human, well, a tiny one but, that’s off the list right now. I’m dreaming more career, home, non-profit, vacations, college, that kind of stuff. Things I have some sort of control over.
I was upset again today…shocker right? Well, I spoke to a friend and we were able to reminisce about a lot of things. He reminded me of days long ago. How I used to be and things we’ve been through. I got some things off my chest and it was nice to have a sounding board that could actually talk back and not be negative. The core of my insecurity issues has always been there. I’ve always needed reassurance and sometimes that is a lot to continuously ask. Thankfully, I get that now. Thankfully, I see the error of quite a few of my ways.
These last few days have been difficult and I have wanted to give up. I tried to brush it under the rug again and it came back with a vengeance. I see things for what they are, even if I don’t want to accept them. I’m starting to see that some people are not who I thought they were. I won’t play in the mud, I won’t. I will not name call, I will not be rude or insult anyone to make me feel superior or they inferior for that matter. Words can never be taken back and bridges should not be burned. I know I’m not out of this slump but don’t count me out just yet. The rain may be falling now, its washing my slate clean. Soon, the sun will shine, keep an eye out for the rainbow, it’s the sign of a new beginning. I’ll be ready.