Why Even Try?

I just can’t. I am so done. So very done. I know God has a plan for me and I know that I have to contribute to get there but, what’s the point? You are supposed to pray and repent and be absolved of your sins and my sins aren’t bad. I didn’t break a law or a commandment. I just didn’t trust in myself enough to stand up against my family influence. I know it is a big deal, I’m not downplaying it, but, if only God is to judge me then why am I here now?

I have been dealt a losing deck my whole life. It’s like I’m so close to winning a hand to have it taken from me at the last minute. Why do I keep getting up when I get knocked down? Why do I keep believing when no one believes in me?

I was molested and didn’t say a word for fear no one would believe me. I was raped and didn’t say anything for fear nothing would happen except my name being dragged through the mud. I got pregnant to find out that my fiance had cheated and gotten someone else pregnant and I was the one asked to abort. He is not in my son’s life. I got post partum depression and was told to snap out of it. I got pregnant again and no one would stand by me, and I had to send my baby to heaven. Something I will never forgive myself for. I have been cheated on, I have been called names, I have been shamed and guilted, I may never be able to conceive but, that doesn’t affect anyone else but me. My family can’t even support me now. They don’t try to understand or pretend to sympathize, they just want to point fingers.

Did you know I’m in love still because I’m stubborn? Not because I am seriously madly and deeply in love but, solely because I’m stubborn. Because they tell me to get over it and I’m doing the opposite to be stubborn! I am so done. I am beyond frustrated and fed up and tired of no one listening. We didn’t have to be here right now. I was asked to fix things at a time when I was trying not to hurt myself. No one ever really listens to me. I’m in a box that’s shrinking in size and I’m screaming at the top of my lungs and no one cares. I didn’t hurt them on purpose, they are my life. I hurt them because I was hurting and didn’t know how to be what I needed to be for them when I thought they would be better if I wasn’t here anymore.

God brought me out of that. I love myself now. I thank Him for that because if I didn’t, with all the shit I’m dealing with now, I probably would check out. I just don’t understand how I started the year with so much hope, with so many of my dreams going to come true and now I’m living some of my worst nightmares coming true. Who else is hurting? Why is no one else hurting? I wasn’t in this alone. But, I am the only one suffering. Again, I thought it was my turn and the rug got pulled out from under me.

I must be a horrible person for all this bad to bombard me when I thought I was finally on the right path. Maybe this is my life. Maybe I am only mediocre. Maybe I’m not supposed to be married or have anymore kids. I got a taste of it and that was all that was meant for me. Maybe I’m meant to be a worker bee. They say you’re supposed to dream big and I’ve been afraid my whole life to get my hopes up. I was right. Six years ago, I knew I was kidding myself to think someone like that would ever be interested in someone like me. Seems it was a cruel joke at my expense. Well, I give in. I surrender, white flag is up. I’ve been reminded of my place.

Who could love someone like me? My family says it’s difficult and they are supposed to love me. I am grateful that the man of my dreams did it for so long. I’m just so sorry that I let him. Nothing good happens to me and when it does, bad follows. He got hurt in the process. Now he is free and can be happy. He deserves the world and so much more than me.

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