Showing Up For Me

Today might be the day I write two posts or, maybe this one will be it. But, I didn’t want to leave you all hanging all day. Yes, yesterday I was sunk but, that was yesterday. I want to continue hiding from the world and overthink and try to understand what happened but, I can’t. I have to keep going or I’ll lose my momentum and I can’t give up on me, not now.  So, yesterday sucked and got me all jumbled up and it’s over, it’s in the rear view mirror.

So, I woke up this morning with no headache or heartache. I am thankful to have this day to make better choices, to figure out a way to get the tools I need to plug a hole in case there’s ever a time my battleship could sink again. What doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger right? I have no control, that’s what I was reminded of yesterday. Until I really learn that, I think God is going to keep letting me be reminded that I am not and in the most hurtful ways because, I’m stubborn and shit has to hurt for me to learn my lesson. Maybe that could change too… God, if you’re listening?

I know we have all been given free will and I think all it does is mess up our lives. God has a clear plan, a path to get us where we are meant to be. Our free will only slows down the process and for some, prevents us from ever getting there. For most though,  no matter how hard we fight it, what’s meant to be will happen. So, why go against the current? The quicker we get to where He wants us to be, I think we will then be able to direct others to find their way as well. I want to make a difference, I want to help and change lives if possible. But, I’ve always known that if all of my affairs are not in order, if I can’t take care of what I’ve got, then I’m in no place to help others. I’m putting in the work, getting it done. Yet, I’m still learning to let go and let God.

I wanted to throw in the towel to be honest. I was going to delete this page. I planned to sleep all day and avoid the hurt I feel. I woke up peaceful and that changed everything. The ashes settled and I’m still here, still breathing and my heart, so very broken is still beating. God’s not done with me and I’ve got my special little loves counting on me. I don’t know what’s in store for me. After yesterday, I’m not sure what I want anymore. See, I’m moving forward and I’m making positive changes, where I was once accused of standing still. I’m not holding on to anger or resentment or hate, I won’t hurt someone else to make me feel better, I just won’t.

I may have to rethink some things. I won’t give up though. I am love, I am loved, I am blessed, I am strength, I am beauty, I am abundance, I am faithful, I am the daughter of the most high God. I’ll keep showing up as long as He keeps showing up for me. ❤

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