I have come such a long way to get where I am, or where I was this morning. I did it through heartbreak, heartache, uncertainty, family health scares, and mostly on my own. If I were a recovering alcoholic, I would have lost my chip today. Instead, I am a crier. I cried a cry today that I didn’t even know I was capable of. I couldn’t tell if I was sobbing or laughing and I couldn’t control myself. I broke in a way that I myself can’t comprehend. I feel like all the good in me, all the faith, all the positivity is pouring out of me.
Everyone has control of the words that come out of their mouths most of the time. When you know someone well, you know their triggers. You know what to say to make their day and you also have the power to destroy them. If you choose to destroy them, to sink their battleship, that is a choice you made. You knowingly, purposefully, took a shot, one that no apology will ever truly fix. Yet, you still do it. Why? Does it make you feel better? Does it make you powerful? You won the game but at what expense? Was it even a game?
I’ve learned that there are two kinds of people in this world, the kind that forgive no matter what was done to them and then those that forgive conditionally. The latter, they are the ones that would drop you in a heartbeat if you did what they did to you. It’s never equal. You make mistakes, they make choices and you’re the one that comes out the losing end. Do you know which you are? I’m the one that continuously forgives because, if I love someone, nothing can stop that. They sink my battleship and I’ll love them until my last breath because when I promise to be there good or bad, happy or sad, I mean it. I’m there, faults and flaws and all.
I remember being in the hospital and being told some pretty awful news. News that I could have let destroy so much but in an instant, I mean an instant, I pushed it to the side and moved forward. Realizing that what I would lose was far greater than the news that was presented to me. I thought that would have solidified a bond. At least that’s what it meant to me. A, if we can get through this we can get through anything kind of scenario. I was wrong.
The demons I’ve had to face, the lessons I’ve been learning, I wished I could have done this journey another way. I don’t think I could have though. Before this, i was a shell of a person and was unable to be all I needed to be to my family. I loved them, but, they needed more and deserved it. I thought I had time. I thought that since we all had our own things that, mine wouldn’t get called out. But, it did and I didn’t get forgiven. I got pushed away. One second I was so loved and the next I was nothing. It forced me to fix myself. For that I am forever grateful. I just thought the better version of me would be given an opportunity to show the improvement. To prove that the woman they believed in was there all along. I know now that’s not the case.
Having so much anger, being so mad at someone, at the root of it all is love. I’ve never been so mad to lose someone because that’s not my style, I just fuck myself up and then they run away, unwilling to stay and find out how the story ends. But, when we are not honest with ourselves or the ones we love, we all suffer. So, don’t think you’re going this alone. Don’t think you’re the martyr or the hero. Like a game of ring around the rosies…. ashes, ashes, We All fall down.
Tomorrow is going to suck, hell, tonight already does. But, I’m still doing the work, I’m still admitting my wrongs and choosing to do better and I’m not hurting the ones I love in the process. They are hurt, and some wounds I inflicted, I will not lie. But, I can’t heal what I can’t be a part of, I can’t show I’ve changed without the opportunity. I will keep my promises though. I may have been messed up but, I don’t make promises lightly. I don’t abandon ship when it’s taking on water. I used to hide but now, I’m grabbing a pail and trying to scoop out the water faster than it comes in. Eventually, I’ll have the tools to plug up the hole, I’m just not there yet. Today I lost a game of battleship, one I wasn’t even playing.