They say time heals all wounds, “they” say a lot of things. Indeed some wounds will heal, some will never close and some we keep open because either we can’t let go or we don’t want to. People cause themselves more pain than necessary some times. We hold on to things that we aren’t meant to and in turn, it causes more damage than good. I don’t think we do it on purpose, I don’t even think that we realize what we are doing most of the time. We hang on because we don’t know how to let go, we don’t know how to live if we didn’t feel that pain anymore and so we grab hold even tighter. It’s a vicious cycle.
I’ve had some bad things happen to me in my life. With that, I’ve had to find ways to cope, to overcome because I refused to live as a victim. I thought I was winning the battle but, in reality, the methods I was using, my idea of coping was as someone I love dearly always says, brushing it under the rug. If I couldn’t see it, then I didn’t have to deal with it and perhaps that meant there wasn’t an issue. The fact that I have serious intimacy issues, that a certain touch can take me back and I forget where I am at, that I can’t be woken up lovingly without feeling like I want to jump out of my skin, that going places alone and especially crowded places make me so anxious that I am scared still or better yet, afraid to even go so I always prefer company and that puts a strain on my family…those are problems. I see now how not okay I was, how these moments in my life affected me more than I thought and unfortunately my dismissal of them caused them to bleed over into my life in ways that I never wanted. I continued to give up my power without really understanding that I was doing so. I thought I was coping but, that’s not coping, that’s not a way to live. People that deserve nothing from me, got the best of me. GOT the best of me.
By best of me I do not mean they got the best version of me, I mean they pulled one over on me. That they had won far longer than they should have and I didn’t even notice. In this time of growing and coming to terms with where I was at in life and where I wanted to go, I’ve had to deal with these demons. Understand how I’ve allowed this all to get so far and how I could end it. I have made my peace with it all. I plan to work very hard on my intimacy, remembering that I am in control of me and the situation that I am in. I will not allow a third party to ruin important parts of my love life, of my loving life anymore. Sweet gestures should be just that and I know I have it in me to take them at face value and appreciate the love that’s being given to me. As for going places alone, this pandemic has helped with that tremendously. I don’t know what else could have. I was forced to face this head on as no one else could have shopped for my family. I have to go to the store for us and wear a stupid mask that I can’t breathe in and be surrounded by a bunch of people with masks so that I can’t see their faces. I can’t see if it’s that person but, if braving that means I can provide something for my family that no one else can, then I will do it, and I have.
I’m not making excuses anymore. I don’t have to. I won’t be told what to do. This is my life and I have to live it the best way I see how. I will make mistakes, plenty of mistakes and I’ll have reasons as to why I did what I did but, as long as I am listened to then you will know that they are not excuses. I am not trying to get out of anything. I am and will accept responsibility for my actions, my lack of action, the part I played or did not play, but, I will be heard. I will have the opportunity to express myself, my thoughts and opinions as will whomever it is that I am speaking with. I will clearly and concisely explain what I need to without raising my voice or name calling or throwing up past situations because none of that is helpful or healing. I want to heal and be healed. I have always wanted to bring a sense of stability and safety to those I love. For them to know that no matter what, I will always be there for them, their biggest supporter, loudest fan, that they can count on me to be there without judgement, only with love, day or night. I think I failed some important people. I don’t think they think of me as that person for them and that breaks my heart more than I could ever explain. I pray for healing. No one ever said this journey was going to be easy. It’s been eye opening though. I’ve learned a lot about who I was versus who I thought I was and I didn’t like it. All thanks to God, I’m here living and breathing which means I have the opportunity to change the things I am not proud of and I have been doing just that.
I’m not a mean girl, I don’t wish bad on anyone. I want everyone to be happy. I made mistakes but I had so many things to deal with and because of how strong I’ve been, I don’t think I get taken as seriously as I should. I have learned to ask for help but, when I do, I get told to toughen up, or snap out of it and honestly, it’s a slap in the face. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, I understand I am where I’m supposed to be, learning the lessons that will make me into the best version of myself. Everything happens for a reason right? I just wish I would have seen what was right in front of me sooner. I wish that I would have admitted that there was a lot of debris brushed under the rug and perhaps asked for help cleaning it out, we could have done it together. On Grey’s Anatomy, I remember Meredith talking to a psychologist and asking if he was a tape and glue kind of doctor. I think that’s how I’ve been self healing all these years, a band-aid here, a little bit of super glue there, never really stopping to evaluate the wound and treat it properly. It is now though and it has been for a few months. I’m a different person now, with a few more scars but, that’s better than open wounds or a big rug with a bunch of shit that’s not meant for me.
I wish that we could live this life and come out the other end unscathed but, those are just dreams. Some wounds are superficial, others run deeper and will take time to heal and the worst, well, they’ll kill you. In a metaphorical sense, I think most of the time, we can choose which each will be. So ask yourself, this hurt that you’re feeling, is it worth losing something over? The career you want? The person you love? The family you’ve dreamed of? Your life? Don’t allow resentment or ego or past shit that you have hiding under your rug to choose your future. You are in control, even when you give the control away. I learned the hard way, I hope you’ll choose a better way.