For a person that used to despise change, so much of it is happening in my life. I’m not afraid of it anymore, okay, maybe a little bit but, I have to remember that I believe everything happens for a reason. I have hope and faith that all of this change will amount to good things in life. That this painfully beautiful growth spurt I’m in has purpose. I have to believe.
The world is not one I recognize, not one I’m sure I want to be part of. I’m lucky that I have the ability to stay home and away from the nonsense I see on news and social media sites. I get so anxious going out on my own for fear that I will be faced with something that will prevent me from getting home to my family but, I’m the one that has to go out. So, I am forced to put on my brave face and do what must be done because right now, there’s no one else that’s stepping up.
I’m changing. I change more and more every day. My way of thinking, my body, etc. It’s all changing. Some things, the foundation that makes me, me has not but, everything else is up for grabs. I have accepted it. Every once in a while, I still go down the rabbit hole. I know God is teaching me things here but, I don’t understand why I am doing this alone. Why I am being met with oppression and opposition when I try to make a move or voice my opinion. Why everyone has an opinion on MY life but, no one is here with me, going through it.
I have to do what makes me happy, what I need to fill my life with the things I want. I’ve been waiting, and I’m still trying to be patient but, some things have to be decided. 6 years ago I had come to terms with never getting married and not having anymore children. I wasn’t mourning what I could have had. Then I met The One and everything changed. When he said marriage and children, he brought me into the light and out of the dark. Without him now, I don’t want to marry. I was meant to be his wife. So, I’m having to push that dream down deep and it hurts something fierce. But, a baby, while I cannot imagine a baby without him as the father, I’m not sure I can give that up yet. I mean, it’s almost time to do so. I said I wouldn’t have babies after 40. How can I give up on that dream? And yet, how can i have a baby that’s not ours? The thought of being with someone else sickens me. I don’t know what to do.
Change is all around me. Decisions that will severely impact my future are abound. I hate that I’m doing this alone. I hate it. I have no other choice though. These are the cards I’ve been dealt. I cannot bury my head in the sand, I’ve grown out of that. I know that I will figure out what to do. I’m just so tired of feeling lonely. Of not having someone to lean on or a sounding board, or someone to believe in me even when I doubt myself. I know this will make my stronger, I’m just scared it’s going to change me so that I don’t feel as much either. Either way, change is here and things about me will forever be different.