Directing Traffic

Part of this learning process I’m on is figuring out what’s meant for me and what’s not, what is part of me but, doesn’t have to be present and so forth. It’s not easy to make these determinations and more often than not, I feel myself fighting my conclusions. Then I am reminded as to how I ended up there.

People say that family is family and you can’t turn your back on them. That family will always be there. That’s true, I’m not arguing that. Family will always be there, there’s no choice in it. They were chosen for you and should be there. But, what if that’s all it is? A physical “being there” but not emotionally or in a supportive role. Is that what you want? Would you turn from someone that wholly supports you who isn’t blood for a blood relative that doesn’t get you?

I feel like I am directing traffic in my life. Deciding what parts of my life certain people can have access to. Who I should lean into and who I should keep a distance from. Who I’ve let drive the boat, and who they’ve driven away. I am the one in charge now though. I will not hesitate to block people from aspects of me, of my life that they cannot contribute to. I refuse to subject myself to negative behavior. As I’ve said, I find myself lonelier than I’ve ever been in my life. I know it’s for a reason. I know these revelations were a must in order for me to live my life, be who I want to be, for me.

Why does all of this have to be so hard? Why can’t we just love and support each other? Why can’t we fight for happiness? Why do I have to feel like I’m the rope in tug of war? I’m done. Although I know I’m not done with the tough stuff, I am willing to walk away from anyone who doesn’t have my happiness in mind. I’m not talking about they know what’s best for me to be happy, I’m talking about not acknowledging the words that I am saying, how I am feeling. I will no longer be dismissed.

I used to feel so supported and heard. Now I know that is not true. I am met with opposition constantly and my feelings dismissed. I am told how I should think and feel and in time I’ll see it’s true. I’m not a little kid and I’ve made some huge freaking mistakes listening to others thinking they had my back. Things may not always go my way, but, I do my best and I’m being true to myself. At the end of the day, I have to be able to look myself in the mirror and like who I see. I have to fight for myself, defend my honor because right now I’m the only one doing so. I don’t feel like there are many people in my corner, not enough willing to go through this with me but, at least I know I’m doing my part. Just know, if you’re going through something similar, hop on the boat, fight for, support and remain in the corner of who you believe in and expect they do the same. If they can’t, you have to be willing to direct traffic, and they may never have the in again. Sometimes the prices we have to pay are devastating.

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