Have you ever felt as if you weren’t taking a complete breath? Not that anything was physically wrong with you but, you still couldn’t breathe right? Like you weren’t complete? That’s how I feel whenever I’m without Jeremiah. When I am at work or he’s at a friends house, it’s been this way since he was a baby. If I’m not with him I can’t take a full breath. I know it may sound weird but, it’s true.
I’ve gone the last almost 15 years like this. I know it’s part of being a parent. Until recently, I had not experienced the same feeling at other times. For the last couple of months, there are days of the week that I feel this way and also a lump in my throat. At first, the lump was scary but it comes and goes. I had to think about it though, and my not breathing right makes sense, I am not whole. That’s true on every day but there are certain days of the week that it’s more severe. The feeling of a lump in my throat well, I think that’s because I have things that need to be said but, I’m fearful of saying them.
Yes, I am not making sense and yet I am. The more in tune with myself I get, the more I realize that my body is affecting by my thoughts, feelings, the food I eat, and many other things. Then the lightbulb went on, of course this is true. When I was about 18, my anxiety and panic attacks led to migraines, I would pass out from the pain. Then when I had post partum depression, it came with a tick and my jaw would lock, now it is my left eye twitching and occasional panic attacks. I’ve asked my doctor why the change. She said that the anxiety needs a way to be released and when I find a way to remedy whatever is happening, it has to find another way.
I know pieces are missing, important pieces and on certain days of the week, I feel the loss more and my body is choosing feel that pain by a feeling of not breathing fully. When I am teetering between what to do or say, my throat feels this way. I haven’t figured out if it’s because I’m supposed to speak up or keep quiet so as for now, I’ve chosen the latter. These feelings, they’re just like when your tummy grumbles because it’s hungry. I just have to be willing to listen to what my body is saying.
I closed my eyes today and opened my arms to the sky as I spoke to God. Dedicating time to thank Him for who I am and what I have, and then I got down to the prayers. I just laid on the bed, eyes closed, arms open with palms to the sky and spoke to Him. Tears streaming down my face and an inexplicable feeling all over. I stayed there for a while. I had a lot to say. The breathing was easier at that time as well. I think I was offered comfort as I poured my heart out.
I’m not sure where I’m going with all this. I am ready to take a full breath and not feel a lump in my throat. I know I’ve got to work through some things to be able to end any of this. I have found comfort in having Raiyhn with me all day, by my side. We’ve spent time staring into each other’s eyes and I have to pet her, give her some love. She makes the tough times better. She knows exactly when I need cuddles. I don’t know what I would do without her.
Anyway, getting back in track, listen to your body. Follow your gut. If you have something to say, say it. If you can’t take a deep fulfilling breath, figure out what’s missing in your life, what makes you feel whole. Then make it happen. You should want to be happy and open. Know what to do or what’s lacking when you feel you can’t breathe. Better yet, figure your shit out before you lose pieces to your puzzle and then maybe you can avoid this all together. Either way, when you get the opportunity, just breathe. God is in control.