The Floodgates Are Opening

Can I just start by saying how much change is happening? I wonder if anyone else is experiencing all of this too. It keeps coming, I’m not looking for it, it is finding me. Not that I’m ignoring it or looking the other way. I was in desperate need of change, it influenced the creation of all this. I didn’t know what a domino effect it would have and that at a certain point, it would continue growing even if I didn’t want it to. I can’t explain all of the feelings that this has brought up.

I text my mom asking a simple question. Instead of a text back, I got a call starting with the third degree, not even a hello. From there, I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. We got into it and of course, she can’t ever see anything from my point of view. I get told that I do whatever I want and always have. I am stubborn and other bullshit. I lost it. I asked her what was wrong with the way I am? When I was little I was told I was too loud, when I got older I was told that no one would put up with me if I didn’t learn to pick and choose my battles and now she tells my son tales of how I used to be and she wants that badass back but, she didn’t like that “badass” back then.

Don’t get me wrong, she loves me but, I can never do anything right. I went in on it about how she is with my son and with Honey and how she made things way too difficult. I am an adult, I will never be her and do things her way but, I will find my own. I reminded her that my son is loved and taken care of and we are good. We are doing it together just fine. I asked her if she talks to him about what we are dealing with right now. If instead of inserting her opinions, she asked him how he feels. I told her if she would ask, she would know how upset he is, how when we talk about it he cries and gets so angry and hurt. That he feels that he’s not good enough, not worth fighting for. But, according to her it’s not bothering him. Bullshit, you just don’t care to ask. You assume you know.

I left it with her crying and me acknowledging that we are never going to see eye to eye. We spoke of me wanting and trying for a baby and I was reminded how she had to deal with my post partum depression and SHE can’t do it again. F÷$*, I could have sworn I was the one with PPD, but, what do I know? That was 15 years ago and so much has changed. I was working to get healthy and now I am mentally and emotionally stronger than I’ve ever been. But, it’s never good enough.

I wish I could say I felt better, I mean, I did speak some of my peace but it fell on deaf ears. I love my mom and I appreciate everything she has done for me. I am choosing me though, I am choosing MY family, I am doing things MY way. I’m going to mess up, who doesn’t? But, from this point forward, I won’t regret my decisions because they weren’t truly mine. I will be true to myself and those I love. I hope one day she will be able to see things from my perspective and appreciate who I am today. I’m just not looking for her acceptance anymore. It would be nice, not required though.

In times like this, I would be able to share this moment. This time, there’s only me. I’m proud though. There’s no turning back.

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