Caught in the Chaos

One minute I am up and doing good and the next I feel like I am spinning out of control. I know that this is a must and I will come out better for it but, being in the midst of it… it’s more than I can explain.

I need a hug, a real, hold me and make it all better, hug. At this point though, I am worried that if someone were to hold me lovingly, more than just a hi, how are you doing hug, I either may not be able to let go or I’ll lose it. I am so tired of the “caring” others give. I’ve been guilty of it too. Being so consumed with what’s going on in your life that a “hi, how you doing?” Is only a pleasantry and not because you’re truly interested in the answer. I don’t want to be that person and I don’t want those people in my inner circle. My son asks and is sincere. I tell him I’m fine as to not worry him and he’ll come hold my hand. He doesn’t ask any further, not because he doesn’t care but, because be knows when momma just needs to keep things to myself and not put it on him.

I am strong, I am so much stronger than I get credit for, partly because it’s forced upon me. Then again, when I was younger, it’s what I wanted. I wanted to be independent and not need anyone. Not anymore, I want to share my life, share the ups and downs, grow together, and lean on each other. I’m learning to be careful what you wish for. It’s a lesson I should have already learned. I used to pray for a baby before Jeremiah because in my head it was marriage then baby, I only prayed for the baby and that’s what I got.

Prayers now, I am more thanking God than asking him for things. I do my best to ask for my loved ones than for myself. I ask for healing and health and for me, I remind God that he knows what’s in my heart. He knows what my soul craves and He can move mountains, so, if His plans match my wishes, it will be regardless of anything else. I am more selfless these days.

I’ve got so much spinning around my head. Seeing things for what they are, the rose colored glasses are broken and I don’t know how much longer I can keep quiet. I am done being told what to do, done being judged when my decisions don’t mirror others. I am not where I want to be, my heart is aching and pieces of me are missing. It’s my fault, I allowed my life to get here. I fought for what was mine but I let the naysayers put doubts in my head. I know what was meant for me and I believed I could lose it. Not anymore, things will be different. I choose me, what makes my heart sing and if someone can’t get on the same page then they can watch me live my best life from afar.

Chaos is not alluring to me. I am over it. I don’t want to live an unfulfilled life. I know that this is meant to make me grow in ways I could never imagine. I see things so differently now. I can’t ever go back. I’m interested to see how I am when I get out of this. I’m more interested to see who will be by my side.

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