I’m lonely, more lonely than I have ever been in my life. What’s worse, is I know I am not the only one. This pandemic is doing things to people, things internally that if they don’t have anyone around or if the people around don’t take notice, it could really mess someone up. I am thankful for this solitude, I have grown tremendously because of it but, I wonder where in my journey I would be if I had someone to share it with. I have my friends that I talk to here and there but no constant. My family, well, they listen but if it’s not what they want to hear, then I get told not to think that way and how I should think. It’s like I’m on the inside looking out, and it’s lonely.
I had some great sleep last night, I had dreams again which is unusual because I usually don’t dream but I have been a lot lately. In the research I’ve been doing, they say that sometimes what you’ve been manifesting can play out in your dreams or things you are trying to work out. I woke up this morning and just laid in bed, enjoying the silence and calm I felt. My mind has been racing at a fast pace all day. I try to quiet it, try to get to a point where the thoughts can streamline but, today they chose to come at me all at once and keep coming. It’s days like these that I appreciate not having to go anywhere or do anything. I can deal with what comes when it comes instead of having to shelve it. So, there was moments of laughter and tears and some good ass movies. I got to watch a Step Up I have never seen, and I watched the end of Diary of a Mad Black Woman, I recorded it too so, I can watch it in it’s entirety. I love that movie. It makes me cry every time. Helen gives me strength, she’s proof that no matter what life throws at you, if you stay the course, you’ll eventually end up where you are meant to be. God will make sure of that.
My patience has been wearing thin and I’ve been wanting to take control again, which, as we know is not the best for me. I do better when I give it to God and allow him to show me the way. I see all of the things that are different in my life, I understand why my new way of thinking is for the best. In loving myself, I actually learned to not only look out for myself. I know that doesn’t make sense. Before, I did things, I took care of people and were good to people so they wouldn’t walk out of my life, I didn’t think they would stay just for me. Now that I love myself, that I know my worth, I know damn well that I am worthy of having extraordinary people in my life and for my appreciation of them choosing me, of them realizing my worth, I want to do for them. It’s coming from a different place in my heart. Like cooking food, I’ve never really been big on it and I know I am not the best. Cooking because you have to and cooking because you want to feed those you love, it’s completely different. Uncle Stevie told me the food tastes better when it’s made with love. He always pays attention to the waiters, and chefs, etc at a restaurant or fast food place. I knew what he meant but, now I’ve experienced it for myself. I always worried about messing a meal up and now it’s okay, because I am trying.
Little steps, I have to keep reminding myself, little steps. I wish I could make a giant leap, I wish I could wave a wand and have everything my heart desires but, it doesn’t work that way. I know my limitations and giant leaps, they aren’t in the cards right now. Little steps, it’s what I have. I figure as long as I am moving, I shouldn’t worry about the pace, at least at this moment. I’m going through a transformation, one I wish I could skip, one I wish I could share with someone because I am scared. Everything I’ve known, It’s kind of slipping through my fingers or more like, it’s not what I thought it was and I am not sure how to handle it. Someone would say that everything our parents taught us, that’s what they knew at the time, at no fault of their own, but, things are different now and we know more than what they had access to. It’s our responsibility to do better, be better and that’s what I am trying to do. I want to break the cycle, I want my kids to reach for the stars and know that no matter what, I will be there without judgement or criticism, without my baggage affecting them. I will not assume that their lives mirror mine and when they become parents, I will tell them all of the time what a great job they are doing and how proud I am of them. Family to me is everything, but, I am getting to the point that some must remain at a distance for your happiness. I have learned the hard way that the family YOU make, not the one you are born into, that’s the family you choose no matter what. No. Matter. What. My brother has had the right idea all along.