Doing What I Want

Yesterday’s post felt like an unbelievable relief, I was able to exhale. I wanted to delete the post multiple times, I still kind of want to but, it’s how I feel so I will try to fight that urge. I am feeling better, stronger but, starting to feel a little stagnant and that’s definitely not what I want. I’ve been trying to figure out what I can do to change that. Then it hit me, tonight I got to drink a beer and listen to my friend DJ live on Facebook, I danced around the living room being silly and singing to Raiyhn (she thought I was crazy). After that, I decided to take a shower at 11pm because… I could. That’s it. I have been working on me internally so much, and trying to lose weight but, still within the confines of what I am “supposed” to do.

Starting tomorrow, I am doing what I want, how and when I want because I can. I am a smart woman with a good head on my shoulders and I am not going to do anything to put myself in danger but, I’m doing me. Everyone else is out doing them, or others… I can at least take care of myself. I know we have to keep to social distancing but, I can take a drive if I want to, I can get my hair done, my nails done, I can go where I want with whomever I want and as long as Jeremiah and Raiyhn are either with me or taken care of, that is all that matters. Just writing this feels liberating. I don’t have to answer to anyone. What a revelation. Tomorrow holds the key to whatever I want it to be. Yay me!

I love waking up with a smile on my face, I look forward to my conversations with God and those that I am distanced from. I think this is a missing piece to my puzzle. I know it sounds easy but not for someone that is used to doing what she is told. I rarely let go and give in. It’s something I desperately need to learn how to do. Happiness is not in the material things I have or the social status, it’s in being my authentic self and sharing that with those I love, being able to help them do the same. Spiritually, I am on a higher plane, but, everything is done within the safety of this house. It’s easy to stay on track when you’re in a controlled environment, the real test is when you are out and faced with obstacles that are meant to try your patience, and all you’ve learned. I need the satisfaction of passing those tests with flying colors, being able to prove to myself and others that I am so much more than who I used to be. The old me, loved deeper than most are capable and that was my super power, other than that, I was kind of a mess. Although the love I give is still far superior than others, and even moreso now, my super power now is me… from my head to my toes, internally an externally, and everything in between. I know that much.

That’s my challenge, I’m up for it, because I believe in me. I know the work I’ve put into this, I know what I’ve lost before all of it. I deserve to be happy you know? I am a good person and all I want, well, that’s for me to know. It’s better to keep some things close to your chest. Doing what I want isn’t going to be easy. One day at a time though, that’s all I can do. Now, I am going to go serve me some ice cream because… I can! Goodnight and sweet dreams. ❤

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