This is not a holiday we celebrated when we were little. My brother and I were raised by a single mother. Our father was m.i.a. so, we had to make the little gifts in school and we gave them to my mom and Nana just like on Mother’s Day. Secretly, I hated this day, especially on the years it landed on my birthday. I hated hearing all of the other kids talking about how great their dads were and the things they did with them. But mostly, I hated how much I wished it was me.
Growing up, I had a lot of issues with men. I didn’t understand why back then but, now I think it has to do with the lack of that constant male figure in my life. You know, daddy’s girl? Because my brother sure is mommy’s boy. When my stepdad came into the picture I was already in high school and didn’t need or want that kind of relationship. Over the years its progressed but, it’s strained and not picture perfect.
Before I got pregnant with my son, his father knew how important it was for me to give my children the life I didn’t have, to have both their parents. He promised but, somewhere along the line, he broke his promise to me. I was forced to leave him and in turn, he disappeared from my son’s life, so, unfortunately, he’s gone through his life without his father. My stepdad steps in here and there but, it’s not constant. My family makes his presence bigger than it is and I’m the bad guy when I bring them back to reality. There was one constant but, it’s not something I will discuss. We were able to celebrate Father’s Day in years past though.
I guess what I’m trying to say is today is always filled with mixed emotions and this year is no different but kind of different. I know I don’t make sense to you, but, I do to me. I am now 38 years old and still would do anything to be daddy’s girl. I know it’s never going to happen. That’s why I wanted a little girl, so I could feel the joy of my husband loving our daughter that way, I could have a front row seat to their special bond. I’ve got the boys… maybe it’s not in the cards for me. I’m just blessed that I’m a boy mom so, mommy’s boy works just fine. It doesn’t fix the way he feels about men, or his absent father, or the abandonment issues but, I do my best to try to fill in the cracks.
I know some pretty great dads and I wish them all a good day. On behalf of all of us that grew up without one, and for the single moms that wish the absent father would be present, we thank you for staying the course. A lot of men these days of make the babies but don’t raise them. I’ve had the pleasure of seeing a beautiful dad and son relationship, a dad fight for his child and win because the goal is always the baby. For the ones doing it right, today is a Happy Father’s Day.
Anyway, I’m all jumbled and in my head. Hopefully I will have a clear head tomorrow. After all, it is another day.