I can’t wait for today to be over with and we are almost there. I’ve been dreading today for weeks and now that it’s here, I was right to want to get through it quickly. It’s my birthday, yup, that’s right. It’s supposed to be a joyous day filled with celebration but, that’s not what happened.
I woke up crying, cried on and off most of the day, even had tears running down my face as I blew out the candles on my cake. Who does that? Hi, my name is Stephanie, and I did that! The hardest part is, I can’t even tell you why I am sad. Let me tell you, that in itself is enough to make me scream. I’m sure my feelings of frustration are shared since… inquiring minds want to know.
My posts have become quite popular lately and not for the right reasons. Now, something that has brought me so much growth and healing, the first thing I’ve chosen to do solely for me, is tainted. I’m struggling to find the words to write when I have so much to say. My whole life, I’ve had to lower my voice because I’m too loud, or watch what I say because my opinion might hurt someone’s feelings and I’ve had to be a little less me to appease others. Not here though, this was my safe space. A place for me to work out my shit, find clarity and hopefully myself. Doing so on a public platform required a commitment to myself that I’ve never given me. At least once a day I have to sit with my feelings and put them in to words. I get to dissect my day and discover things I may have missed, work through anything that is still on my mind so that I can end my day with a clear mind and positivity for making time to choose me. But, again, I am being asked to be a little less me, and for reasons I can’t discuss, I will oblige.
I don’t know how much longer I’ll be doing this. If I can’t be free to write what I feel, reminisce my memories, work through things that brought me to where I’m at in the first place, then what’s the point? I don’t have time to write fake shit to make other people feel secure with themselves. I loved this. I was so proud of myself. I was getting followers around the world. I thought I had found my thing. And now…. I just don’t know.
So, happy f×$&ing birthday to me. I knew today was going to suck weeks ago but it was made so much worse than it needed to be. No one ever thinks of my feelings though. You know, I’m a tough cookie and I’ll be fine. That’s bullshit, yes, I always get back up, I always get to fine eventually but there’s a behind the scenes that is a mess, no one thinks of how I get from devastated to fine. They only expect the fine. So, let me shut up and smile and say I’m fine so you can feel good about yourself. After all, why would I be silly enough to think my life would be about me?
One more hour until this day is over and maybe then this aching will stop. Oh, and so we are clear, I’m fine.