Everyone has wished they could go back after the fact and say or do something differently. Sometimes we wish the other party had taken from it what you meant or how you thought it was going to play out in your head. Rarely do people replay it back and see it from the other person’s perspective or see what they did wrong. There are some that can, they are unique individuals and we could all take a page from their books.
Lately I have been working through things, moments that I think could have happened differently and because of that, other memories pop up, all playing out like a movie I’m watching on tv. I am seeing things from a whole different perspective. I’m not proud of how I handled myself a lot of the time, I didn’t fight when I should have and then fought when I needed to be supportive, I was silent when it mattered and spoke up to get my point across. I had the keys to the kingdom and was too busy with my eyes closed to notice them. I know that I’m not the only one that’s done this but, I expect better from me because I can do better, because the people in my life deserve better. I have been a fool far too long.
I think that maybe when we want to talk we should listen and when we want to fight we should love and when we are tired and frustrated and all we want is to rest, I think that’s when we have to put in the work and communicate. We can’t leave for tomorrow what we are more than capable of taking care of today. Sometimes we get so caught up in the argument, trying to think of a comeback that we miss what the other person is saying. STOP. Listen and then speak. Listen to what is being said, check your ego at the door and listen to the person speaking to you. If you misunderstand something, be big enough to speak up instead of assuming you understand what they mean. AND, when this happens to you, and someone asks for clarification, instead of assuming they weren’t paying attention, take a breath and explain it again, perhaps in another way. There is a better way to do this people, we just have to slow down.
I am in such a good place, I am starting to fear when the world gets a sense of normalcy back. I don’t want to be moving at the speed of light anymore. I am appreciating this slower pace. I have time for me, I have time for God and my angels, I have time for my family. I don’t want to go so fast that I miss all of the little signs I receive every day, or the moments I create with the ones I love. Now that mentally and spiritually I am doing well, and I am working on me physically, I am building my relationship with Jeremiah, I have to consider how all of this is going to look when I get a new job. I have to prioritize what matters to me so that I do not lose my traction. Knowing what I know now, I never want to go back to how I was.
I am lucky that I am pulling things from everywhere, I see a sign on the street and it has meaning or understand a lesson from an episode of Grey’s Anatomy, I see quotes on Pinterest and videos on TikTok and songs on Spotify and they all solidify what I am feeling, they support where I want to go and how I want to do it. You know, some people would say that I am reading into it, others would say that I am finally seeing the messages that are meant for me. Take your pick, I believe the latter. Knowing that I am an open vessel and accepting any and all messages, it makes sense that I see things all over the place. They are puzzle pieces that have to be put together to understand the full message. Although I am still missing some pieces of my puzzle, I’m good at figuring them out. I know what’s meant for me and what’s meant to distract me. It’s just a matter of taking my time and again, not assuming.
I hope that these don’t read like they are duplicates, I am a stubborn woman (working on it) and sometimes God has to send me the message a few times for me to understand (yes, working on it). I write what’s on my mind, what I took from the day. Today has been eye opening and it sucked not to share it with my best friend. I am so ready for things to be different, for me to show that I have changed and for the best. You can’t go back, but, you can move forward. Trying again, is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. The weak give up, too afraid to try again and fail not understanding that the next attempt will include a different approach. I’m a trier and eventually, I’ll succeed.