Last night was another restless night. I had to finally force myself to go to sleep around 3:30am and then had to wake up at 8:00am. My mind has been going over and over things and analyzing trying to make sense of it all. Then I realize that’s not who I want to be anymore and so I have to try to push all of that out of my head and relax and remind myself that anything that does not immediately make sense to me, I must give to God. It’s a battle and it’s draining but, until I retrain my brain, I will keep committed to the mission. On a good note, I am down 7 pounds, I wanted to lose 10 before my birthday and that still may happen but, 7 is way better than 0 so, I’ll take it! I have to celebrate the small victories!
Part of being in my head that’s a good thing is the analyzing is being done with a different frame of mind. Instead of replaying things to work out in my favor, I am now able to step back and see it for what it really was, I can see my mistakes and the part I played. It’s very helpful in this learning process, and I think it’s a big step for me. I can see patterns and hopefully I am able to make the necessary changes to break those patterns. I have learned that being completely honest with myself is the most powerful tool during this time. I can’t deny or sugar coat anything or put my head in the sand and wait until whatever is bothering me to just go away. To fix it, to grow from it, I have to face it head on no matter what the outcome is. It’s scary as hell but, there were some things I had tucked away for so many years and now they are gone. I dealt with them, made my peace and released them. The burdens that I bear are lower in number these days. See, this isn’t just for me to love my physical self, more importantly it’s for me to love who I am as a person and… I am doing just that.
I had a hard conversation with my son today, about taking accountability for your actions, understanding your flaws and if you don’t like them, to make a change. I want him to learn from what I am going through. We discussed why people do what they do and that although it sounds nice, mom is not always right. I have made plenty of mistakes and he only sees things from my side since he is my son. But, he has to be smart enough, wise enough, open-minded enough, to look all the whole picture. It’s easy to judge only what you see, but, things change when you know everything. I explained to him that if there is something he doesn’t like about himself, he needs to work on it now. He doesn’t like talking about his feelings, he has a big wall up right now and I told him he has to talk. He doesn’t have to go on and on like I do but he does have to express his feelings, he can’t keep them bottled up inside for it all to explode out at a later date. He doesn’t quite get it but, I will keep having these conversations, I will keep showing him that his mom is a work in progress and he needs to learn from my mistakes, not make the same ones.
I am putting in the work, no one can deny me that. I am doing what has to be done, saying what has to be said, and believing in what has to happen. Today I am a better version of myself than yesterday and I pray tomorrow I am a better version than today. I have found my voice, I have reminded myself of my motivation for doing all of this, and I am loving myself for all of it. Life is precious and days are limited and you have to live it to the fullest. For so long dangled carrots in front of my face instead of just doing things. If I lost weight then I would do this and if I could just do that then I would reward myself with this and for what? Where did all of that get me? So, no more. If I want a new outfit and I can afford it, I’m getting it and if I want to go to the beach, I am going to go (well, after the covid stuff).
What’s meant for me will find a way and what’s not will fade away. It’s how I make it through the day, it’s why I celebrate the little victories each day. I cannot convince anyone why they should choose me to be their person, none of my people had to. I know who is worth fighting for and I’ll always choose to fight for them. I’m doing it now even if it doesn’t look like it. My bff, her circle is small and the fact that I’m in it is a testament to this, to her, I’m worth the fight, she makes room in her circle for me. She has taught me so much in just this lesson. Her showing up for me with no questions asked reminds me that I must show up for myself as well. I have been and I’m happier for it. I was able to find a way to make myself happy and to stand on my own two feet and love me for me. It’s a struggle, but, small victories each day make it a little bit easier.
God and my angels are working overtime to bring everything into fruition. I can feel it in my soul. Good things are coming, in God’s divine timing. Until then, I will work on my patience and continue on this path. This road I am walking alone doesn’t feel so lonely anymore. I’m enjoying my own company. Trust the process.