Running Out of Time

It’s like there is a timer running out of time, and I am scrambling to find direction before the buzzer goes off and I lose. I have been focusing on me and what I need to do to better myself for the future that’s fast approaching but now I feel like I am running out of time and I can’t figure out if it’s because I am nearing the end and am just anxious or if it’s because I’ve been doing it all wrong and when the times comes and the whistle is blown, I will learn that I was wrong all along. I have gotten so many things wrong in my life, I don’t need to feel like I am finally moving in the right direction to find out that I was wrong again. Those kind of thoughts are paralyzing.

I can confidently say that I have learned to love myself and make amends with many of my demons but, now I see that this quarantine is keeping me from making bigger moves. It’s allowed me the safety of my comfort zone which is counterproductive to what I am working so hard to accomplish. I am at the breaking point and I am being compelled to jump, an inner push that is telling me it’s now or never. I try now, even if I fail, I’ll get up a try again but, if I don’t try now I may never get the courage to do it again. Everything I have been working for, it will go to waste and instead of swimming I will prove that I’m only good enough to tread water and that’s not me, I am not that person anymore. Someone’s got to swim for us, and that responsibility is solely mine now. Put up or shut up Steph.

My whole life I’ve had support, people that love me and care for me but, I now know that most of it is not unconditional. It’s easy to say you want someone to fly as you are clipping their wings. Tell them to explore but not too far, hurry up but don’t run. I have been given mixed messages my whole life and because they were said with a smile and an I love you or I believe in you, I didn’t notice the fingers crossed behind their back. I have blind faith in people and I am starting to think that it’s only meant for God because very few have that blind faith in me. I see why I am so scared to try, so sure that I will fail when I have what it takes to succeed, when I am fully capable of doing what it is I want. I don’t make a decision lightly so when I do, I have weighed the pros and cons. I have thought of all of the ways to fail, all the things I could do wrong and came to the conclusion that I could make it work. I’m not F#@%ing stupid like some think.

I have had ideas in the past and they have not been met with encouragement and enthusiasm so I drop it. Recently I have done the same and they’ve been met with criticism. I understand now that I am sharing with the wrong people. People put themselves in a situation when you are discussing it. If you tell a story about skydiving to a person that is afraid of heights, they are going to say it’s a bad idea and spoil your excitement. You have to share with people that are like-minded or you have to be strong enough to forge ahead regardless of what anyone else says. I think I have to do that latter right now, I think I need to make a move and not worry about the opinion of others. I have done that for far too long and don’t have much to show for it. I don’t want to be 50 wishing I would have made a move.

Something has got to give, my time to make a move is almost up and it’s me, I’m what has to give. I have to step away from what is no longer serving me, I have to go against the grain and ruffle some feathers along the way. I’ve never been well understood, there are few that just get me and so this is going to be very difficult for me. But, if I don’t take my shot that will be even worse. I say that I’ve done all of this work, I say that I believe in me, and now I have to put my money where my mouth is. I am done feeling stifled, of trying to fit in a box I was never meant to fit in, of being the woman that I am expected to be instead of who I really am. I am strong but have moments of weakness, I am smart but sometimes make dumb decisions, I am fine alone but want to share my life with someone, I am a great employee but will make one hell of a boss, I can be this and that, I can choose left or right, up or down, and still being a badass woman. I do not have to be defined or refined to make someone else feel comfortable. I find comfort in the chaos, in the beauty of changing your mind, I think it’s the Gemini in me.

I hope I’m not too late…. I am so slow at seeing what’s right in front of me, at making the right choice when I’ve always known what it is, of believing in myself because everyone else always questions me. I know what I want, I know what my heart craves, what makes my soul sing, what I dream of. I just have to take a leap of faith, have blind faith in me. I can’t hesitate because I’m running out of time. It’s now or never.

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