Finding the Words

As each day passes, sometimes I find myself doubting if what I am doing here is worth it, if I am making a difference, if I am really changing. I don’t have a large enough following for anything to go viral and not that I am doing this for that. Sometimes I do have doubts as I have nothing to base it off of except for my feeling towards myself. I am doing a much better job at loving myself but the fact that I am the judge of that means I could skew the results… which leads me back to if I am making any progress at all.

I heard from a friend today and we got to talking. We had to catch up and then dove in to some pretty meaningful stuff. I was able to clearly communicate my thoughts and feelings in an impactful way. I surprised myself with some of the insightful things I said. I am a smart woman with good advice (even if I don’t take advice well). I have been wondering where this came from. I didn’t know that I had this in me anymore as I had been searching for my words and stumbling for so long. Then I remembered the last video that I posted to my Instagram account. In it i said um a lot less than in previous videos and it’s because I meant what I said. I didn’t hold back, I didn’t search for the right words, I said what I was thinking – open, honest and raw. When I do that, I somehow am able to channel the exact words I am looking for. I think that’s what I did with my friend. I didn’t have to search for words because I spoke from my heart and my heart knew what it wanted to say.

I didn’t think I would be any good at this, I am actually impressed that I’ve continued this long. But, I am starting to think that this has something to do with the direction I am going. I do have a lot to say and I am proving to myself that people appreciate my honesty and the way I am able to look at situations with a positive outlook. I admitted to my friend that although I have had a few epiphanies, I am not all sunshines and rainbows but, I know this and I accept where I am at. I think it helped my friend with their situation as well. I may have found something I am good at with this blog and now it’s a matter of getting more organized with my thoughts instead of just writing what I feel.

I love words, words are my thing. I love to say them and write them, and form them into sentences that mean something. So when my words don’t flow freely, when my words don’t make sense then something is wrong. I am holding back or stressed or something is wrong. I know this now so that I will hopefully not run into an issue like that again. I own how I feel and will no longer back down to someone. If I am wrong, I can apologize but, I will not cower to appease someone else. I will not let my words be taken from me.

We are facing a lot of turmoil in the world these days and I’m learning just how powerful our voices are. I can no longer sit in silence, those days have come and gone. In order to count, you have to speak up, your voice has to be heard. I have so much to say, so much to share about life and parenting, being a woman, finding myself, post partum depression and so on. This is my platform, this is how I am choosing to stand out, to be heard. For now, this is my way of shouting from the rooftops – I AM HERE, I WILL NOT GIVE UP AND I WILL NOT BE IGNORED. My thoughts, my feelings, matter, I matter. This is not all for nothing, it’s for everything, it’s for me. I matter and I will be heard. My words are powerful and I have to choose them wisely. I understand that once they are said, words can never be taken back. They can be forgiven but never taken back.

I feel free…. I feel empowered and ready for what’s next. Bring it on world!

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