For so long I have silenced myself for the betterment of others, for the greater good, this woman with a loud mouth that’s not afraid to say what’s on her mind has held back and bit my tongue for too long! I am done. I cannot just stand around and be a sheep anymore. As I told my mom when I was little, God gave me a mouth to speak and I’m going to use it to the best of my ability.
I am capable of doing a lot by myself, too much actually that I find it hard to delegate or relinquish my “power” because if I am doing what needs to be done I know somehow, some way, it will get done. I am still trying to figure out the balance of this all and I am confident that it will happen.
In less than a week I have had two encounters that rocked me to my core. Usually, I bite my tongue and stay quiet to not make any waves but, honestly, where did that get me? No waves meant he was able to swim away easier than I could have ever imagined. I am done keeping the peace, I am speaking the truth, my truth and if someone doesn’t like it then they can see their way out. I am tired of people thinking they can tell me what to do or how to act or who to be, of criticizing me. No, my life is not as bad as some and yet worse than others but, until you lived my life, until you’ve been in my brain, then you don’t get to question what I do. Yes, I am flawed, yes, my child is flawed, yes, my dog is flawed – we are perfectly imperfect for each other. We are enough, we may not have a lot but we have each other.
So, people can keep coming at me, but, I will not be silenced anymore, I will not play the game. I have to be strong for my family because, no one else is stepping up. I will not back down, I will not shut up, you can call me names or get in my face but, as I showed today, I will NOT back down. I am not afraid of man when I have God on my side. I will not concede again. I am being tested, my son is learning who his momma is and that no matter what, she always gets back up and tries again.
I hate that when I am angry I cry. People misconstrue it as a weakness but, that only infuriates me more. They are lucky I am crying because that release is stopping me from getting physical. But, get in my face and watch the tears fade away because my adrenaline is pumping and I will not let up. Afterwards, when all is said and done, that’s a different story and the tears will uncontrollably fall from my eyes.
We are searching for a place to call home. A place where we can just be ourselves with our own rules and space. I am praying on it daily and prepping ourselves for the day that we can make that move. It is not a good feeling when you feel like you don’t belong but thankfully we know we belong together. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to, that I am sure of.
I have not been as heated as I was today in a long time. It felt good to stand my ground, to hold my own, to not give in and to do it in front of my son. NOT that I wanted to do it in front of him but, when push comes to shove, you have to do what you have to do. He saw a different side of his momma today and saw the true colors of someone else. The lessons he learned are invaluable.
You have to stand for something or you will fall for everything. I am over falling, so, now I’ll stand and let my voice be heard.