A Little More Me

I had a great night’s sleep and woke up feeling different. All of the yuck from yesterday stayed there. I feel more me today than I have in months. I didn’t worry about if the phone rang or any what ifs or other nonsense that could weigh me down.

I have been doing all this with a specific end goal to come true. After all of the stuff from yesterday, my goal is a lot less specific and I feel free. I am enraged yet happy, I am able to let go. What I want, it’s no longer there or maybe it will be again someday but, the train is moving and if I don’t hop on, I don’t know when the next one is coming. At the end of the day, I have to choose me because time and time again I am reminded that no one else will, no one else has. I have to love me and fight for me and I’ve been doing a half-assed job of that lately. If my whole left side of my body was not hurting, I would probably be dancing around right now but believe me, I am doing it in my head. I have been released, rejected and I’m okay with that. Better now than later.

I’m ready to be wild and free, to do things I have never done and experience things I have never tried. I need to rebel against everything I thought was right because obviously I’m all mixed up. I am out of my comfort zone here and for once I am not scared. I’m ready and willing to take on the world. I have the love of some pretty amazing people in my life and a pretty pitty princess. I never thought I would be doing this all alone again but, here I am. I can’t wait for church to open back up so I can get more involved. Then there is the gym and going out, etc, I want to have fun, less worrying and more living for the moment. Have I said that I am ready?

Happy and Healthy 2020, that’s what I promised myself and I can’t break my promise. Today I worked on happy. I haven’t cried all day and I haven’t been on eggshells waiting and praying for a glimmer of hope. This is my time to shine, this is my year and so far it has been. I’ve been blinded by what I want instead of what God has planned for me. He is removing what’s not meant for me and He is trying is best to do it in a way that won’t destroy me. I was able to amicably part ways with my employer and although my break-up devastated me, I haven’t completely fallen apart like I thought I would. I have had my moments of weakness but, after a good cry, I can pull myself back together. I still can’t believe that’s over but I know that I focus too much on him and that’s not what God wants for me at the moment. In order to break the cycle He needed to force change upon me since I was too scared to do it myself. Here I am, in the midst of change, there is no way out because it’s all changing on me. I change with it or I remain lost and that’s not what I want. So, I push forward and find my way.

I don’t know what’s in store for me, I don’t know if tomorrow will be a good day or a bad day but, I hope it’s good. It’s a fresh start. I’m going to be okay, somehow, some way, I know that is true. It’s scary that I’ll be doing it by myself. Especially with everything I learned, I have changed and things would have been different, way better but, that’s beside the point. Even if he did come back, I am not ready. I am working on me. When I can without a doubt choose me first, follow directions and put my air mask on first, then I can assist with others, that’s when I can be one half to a relationship. I have to love me, I have to be able to set boundaries, I have to remind myself to choose me so that I will never lose myself again. I am too old and too tired to have to go through this process again.

My life is not where I want it to be and man oh man, I would change the last few months if I could but, since I can’t, I’m changing me. I am changing what I can and yet there are some things about me I will not change. Things that make me, me. Right now I need different. So, I am working on what that means. Come along for the ride, I don’t know where we will end up though.

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