Some Pills Are Harder to Swallow

First off, let me just say, be careful what you pray for. Twice now I have been super duper specific in what I want and each morning I woke up to my prayer answered but in the completely opposite way of how I wanted it to go. It then sets the tone for the day and let me tell you, they are never good days.

God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, I believe that. I believe that all of the bad that has come my way deserved or otherwise, was to show me my strength and make me stronger for what the future has in store. I have to be ready for whatever comes my way because I have to be okay. I have to make it through for my kids. They need their momma, now moreso than ever. The power I possess is more powerful than I let on. I have had to be motionless, emotionless while the worst things were happening and find ways to not let them destroy me. You may think I am weak but that’s the biggest mistake you could make. Come at me bro and I’ll lay you out flat. I’m nice and accommodating and forgiving but, when push comes to shove I resort to my me or you mentality and well, it’s going to be me.

I’m done treading lightly, I was slapped with a new reality, by someone I loved and now they are a stranger. I lost it for a while, I allowed myself to shatter into a million pieces but then I had to remember that a stranger can’t hurt me, I choose who I let affect me and that’s only the people I allow in. I control what happens to me. Sticks and stones break my bones… the words, that’s my choice. Speaking half truths, speaking out of anger and hurt, you do you but we know the truth. I’m going to get mine so you go get yours. Anyways, I pieced those pieces back together real quick when I realized I was still breathing, my heart was still beating and there was no blood to be seen. My heart was broken, my soul was scorched but on the outside you can’t tell what I went through this morning. I am good at hiding stuff, I am good at pushing it down.

It baffles me how a person that was so close to you pretends they don’t know who you are any longer. But, hey, whatever helps you sleep at night. In the end, it doesn’t even matter. Maybe it will help me to do the same. I need to move forward, move on, make my own moves. I’ve been doing the work but moving at a speed that someone could catch me. That shit is done. I’m not slowing down for anyone anymore. You wanna catch me…your ass better have your running shoes on. Haha… for reals, I don’t need anyone to catch me. I’ve got this.

Now is time to have fun, stop ignoring requests and finally give in. I need to get better and then take control of my life. I have a birthday in less than a month and I’m going to own the shit out of it. Do what I want with whomever I want and just be free and not give a shit. I’ve played by the rules for way too long, waiting to let loose until I have someone to take care of me if shit gets crazy but, I’ll handle myself because I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of broken promises, of being afraid to live, of being judged, of doing what I am told. I am a beautiful, sexy, smart and talented woman. All the single ladies put your hands up!! Haha.

I am trying to not be angry, to not hold on to the bad, that’s why I try to stay positive. It doesn’t mean there isn’t bad. As I wrote yesterday, there is good and bad and you have to take both. But harboring anger or resentment will eat at you. Why would you only want to remember the bad when the good outweighed it? I won’t do it and no one can make me.

Again, I’m all over the place but, this is where I am at right now. I’m sitting here with my kiddos as I write this and listening to my friend on Facebook. Today was a long hard day as I battled myself – with what I know is true and real and then some other stuff. You find out a lot about people when things are bad. You find out who has what it takes to stay and who’s weak and will run away. You will learn if they are compassionate, self serving, if they allow anger to cloud their judgement or if they are open to possibilities. I make mistakes every day but every day I try. I always try my best even if it’s not good enough for some. I won’t name call and I won’t say things I don’t mean just to hurt someone. I need God’s help to get where I want to go and I don’t need bad karma. I don’t need to make enemies, I can destroy me all by myself.

I made it through the day, a day that beat me up and had me in tears before I even showered, it had the potential to keep me down and I refused. I may not have done anything extraordinary but, I kept going and to me, that’s exceptional. I learned so much more than I can even explain. My prayer requests have certainly been altered and I’m pretty sure so have my plans for the future. The tarot on TikTok kept saying that I would be coming to a crossroads and would have to make a decision, I would have to trust my intuition and choose what would serve me best, what would propel me forward and not hold me back. Well, I’m at the crossroad and my head and heart are trying to get on the same page. I think for now, I have to have the mentality that if you are not for me, you are against me and therefore, the enemy. I don’t need negative in my life, I don’t need jerks, I don’t need you if you don’t want to be here.

For the last time, what’s meant for me will find a way and what’s not will fade away.

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