My left side is still hurting today, my left arm is throbbing as I write this but, I am alive and mostly healthy and I made it through the day.
My mind has been getting the best of me these days. In keeping with the positive, I’ve only been remembering the good and tonight in a talk with God, when I am always truthful and honest (because He knows all), the bad came with the good. It all flooded back, some of our best memories and our worst. You know, there are some that think because there is bad you should just walk away or if the bad outweighs the good but, bad always accompanies good, just like dark to light and down to up, and in life sometimes the bad will outweigh the good for a period of time but then there’s a shift and the good will outweigh the bad far longer because good always wins over bad. I cherish all of the memories because we were both in them, and up until our last one, we got through them, they made us stronger.
I am slowly learning to see the beauty in the bad because it’s in those times that you realize how beautiful the good is. While I’m on the subject of slowly, I am doing things at a slower pace, trying to figure out what I am supposed to learn from it. I’m making sure to spend those few extra moments cuddling with Miah and being silly with Raiyhn, being patient with myself and accepting that I may just need to breathe when I feel an anxiety attack coming on.
I am on this journey because I needed to, because it is good for me, but, had I not lost Honey, I don’t think I would have taken the leap. I had started all of the steps to creating this site but was scared to take the leap and it fail. When I had nothing to lose, when I had lost all faith in myself, when I didn’t want to be living, I posted my first post and I’ve been posting once a day since. It’s the good that came out of bad. It’s proof that I made a commitment to change, to be better to see more good than bad and to turn a heartbreaking situation into something that could help me to heal.
In all honesty, I don’t know if he’ll ever come back and if he doesn’t, my world will never be the same. But, I’ll do my best to get through each day to honor the love he gave me when we were together. His love got me through almost six years of good and bad, happy or sad and I would not be the woman I am at this very moment if I had never had him in my life. I will never speak ill of him and I only wish him all good things. I wish you could have seen us together…. man, we made the whole world jealous. Our love was pure and inexplicable and undeniable. That man loved me so fiercely he ignited the fire inside of me, he will always be a part of me, he will always have my heart.
I have to keep moving forward even though I am afraid my doing so will make me drift further from him than I currently am. But, I am not done with this process, I have not found the Stephie I have been so desperately seeking so I have to push on. The rest is up to God. If we are meant to be then God will find a way and if we aren’t then I am eternally grateful and forever in love with him. The good with the bad right?
I am making plans and indecisiveness will not get me far in my prayers. I have to speak with conviction and intent. I need direction so that I am not swimming aimlessly, I want to reach the finish at some point. But, I’ve learned to take the good and the bad because I have to. I don’t have to allow bad to stay very long but, there’s always ups and downs in life. The bad won’t always be so bad if sometimes you can learn and grow from it.