I am not feeling very well today. Resting is not so easy when you are being pulled in multiple directions and your mind is racing a mile a minute so needless to say, I can’t wait to fall asleep this evening.
I was laying with Jeremiah and Raiyhn watching Netflix and I noticed that we were all laying sideways on an inflatable bed. I asked him if he remembered when our little family did the same thing and he said yes. We talked about how all four of us didn’t fit but we made it work because it was all we had. We reminisced and then we got silent, realizing that the three of us on the bed tonight is “our family” now.
Anyways, I’m already not feeling well, I don’t need to get all in my feelings too. I’m starting to think it’s all of the stress that is causing my physical ailments. That everything I am keeping in or holding back because I don’t have anyone to talk to is starting to spill out in other ways. I don’t have my best friend, my secret keeper, my sounding board, my sanity. I don’t get hugs or kisses or a hand to hold. I don’t have his chest to lay on or his head in my lap as I run my fingers through his hair or over his face. I’ve done it so many times before that I can close my eyes and it’s like he’s there but, I can’t feel him. It’s torture. I can’t imagine what it’s like for someone that passes away, I can tell you it is agonizing when you know they are out there and they just aren’t with you.
I was explaining to my Nana today that it’s so different. Any other breakup, me wanting them back was just about my ego. I had to prove I could get them back, that I still had it or some childish bullshit. This, ,this time, it’s not about my ego, it’s my heart, it’s my family, it’s my life. I found the one that I’ve dreamed of my whole life, he fits the description (except he is way better looking than I ever imagined), he can hold a conversation, he has a huge heart, he sees me for me – flaws and all and he loves me through thick and thin. We were building a life, I could see our future, you see, I don’t know what a future without him would look like, when we dreamed, we dreamed together. I was meant to love him into eternity. I am my little one’s Steph, I want my nieces and my sister and my mother in law. That’s my family! We disagree and get on each other’s nerves but, we show up, we stick together.
Okay, I’m exposing myself too much and my body is really aching so, as unfinished as this is, it’s all I have for tonight. I owe you better tomorrow. I’ll be better tomorrow. The sun always comes out after the rain.