I’ve been having moments of weakness, sometimes a period of weakness where I just want to give in and let my life live me instead of me living my life. When the world is overwhelming or my faith is fading, the thought of giving in and admitting defeat doesn’t look so bad. It’s so much easier to give in. Who wants to struggle and fight against the grain? Who wants to keep the faith when there’s nothing showing that what you’ve been praying for is going to work in your favor? Most of the time, I do, and that’s what I have to keep reminding myself.
This is not a sprint, this is a rest of my life kind of thing. It’s not like a diet, it’s a lifestyle change (one I have not mastered yet as the weight still isn’t coming off). Every day I have to choose good, positivity and to have faith. I have to remind myself to pray and talk to God and make time to manifest all of the things I want for my future. That takes dedication and determination and can be exhausting with everything else I have going but, I figure, while I’ve got this time, better make the most of it. If not today then when? I obviously needed to make changes and they weren’t going to be made on their own. The hard part is keeping at it especially on my tough days when getting out of bed is a struggle.
The easy road is not one I’ve traveled on a lot, you may think because I am not where I should be that perhaps I have tried to take that road before but, nope, I just stood still – or remained treading water. If you know me, I don’t do anything that’s easy, I also make everything more difficult than it needs to be, I know it is frustrating but, for those that love me, they know that’s me. It is something I am working to change. I am trying to be more simplistic, not easy but, the less is more and get right to the point kind of way. I am not trying to find a shortcut and I’m committed to putting in the work. I’ve missed out on so much being afraid to make a move, by making the most simple things very difficult. For what?
Moving forward, I am saying what I mean even if it’s met with criticism, I am going to be honest and communicate openly so that whomever I am dealing with knows exactly where I am coming from and how I arrived at that decision, I am going to be more spontaneous and accept the beauty in simplicity. I want to be happy, and by that, I mean the feeling – no stipulations along with it. Happy doesn’t equal a car, a house, a anything, it’s how I feel inside. If I feel happiness, then I am happy regardless of what I tangibly have. I want to learn how to be more free, more open-minded, more mindful and I have a feeling that will all come as I continue down this path.
I’m not looking for an easy out, I don’t want things to be black and white. Let’s live in the gray. I want to fight with the ones I love because as long as you are fighting, there is still love between you. I don’t want to miss my little one anymore, I want to be able to love him. I want to always fight for the ones I love and not be forced to stop. That’s not me, I don’t stop. I keep pushing. I am done giving in to what others think they want. We all have something we are going through but, we should not be going through it alone and don’t give me that shit that you are surrounded by people because sometimes I am my loneliest surrounded by a crowd of people. If you are not getting the attention that you need or someone to truly hear what it is you are saying, or getting that hug when you so desperately need that physical connection, then you can feel very alone in this world, especially with what’s going on in the world today.
Again, I went off on a tangent. No one can determine if the path you are on is easy or difficult, only you. But, you’ll know because if you choose the easy path, the one with less stumbling blocks and struggles, the fruits of your labor won’t be as sweet. Earn what you have, learn to fight for what you love. Give it your all because you don’t get to keep the extra when you are no longer on Earth. There is so much I have to say that has yet to leave my mouth. If something were to happen to me tonight I would be devastated for all the words I left unsaid. Not that I’ve chosen the easy route, only that I gave in when I shouldn’t have and now I am trying to figure out how to be me again, and how to say what I need to say. The journey with all the zigs and zags, the one where the path gets lost and you have to forge your own way, sometimes feeling like you’re playing hopscotch or mother may I, that’s the one you want. It’ll be worth it.
Nothing has ever come easy to me before, I’ve always had to work for it. Nothing is new now. I just stopped listening to me for a second and gave in and now it’s double time to get things the way they are supposed to be. I’m not lost anymore and I’m on my way…. see you soon.