I was very open in everything I did and said yesterday. I posted on multiple social media platforms and allowed myself to be exposed in a way I’ve never done before. I am realizing there is something so freeing about just letting go and giving in. When I don’t watch my words or care what anyone thinks, the real me shines through. I surprise even myself when I reread my posts or watch my videos. I say or write things that I didn’t even know I was feeling or had in me. Most of the time it’s very enlightening and sometimes, I say things that make me face facts I would otherwise rather avoid.
I am learning that what I have to say is powerful, there is inspiration in my story, not for just myself but, I believe for others as well. Everywhere I look, I see people that are like me and they are still treading water. I feel compelled to be their cheering section and let them know how much better it is to swim. Hell, I am swimming without a determined destination at the moment and most of the time, blind but, I know now how much better it is to swim without purpose than tread water with one. I wasted so much time settling for mediocre when I knew I was wasting my potential. I was so stubborn in my thinking that I had to tread and let him swim. Stupid me…. I waited for my time to swim, and now I’m swimming alone. I could have been swimming with him, which, is what he wanted. I’m swimming now baby!
I was hit in the face with some reality this morning though and I’m kind of glad it happened. I am on this journey to find me and although it’s proven very successful, I still don’t feel like I am doing enough. After a disagreement with my family, I realized, I am still putting them before me. I am still dropping everything to be what they need me to be. That’s not what I want out of life. That’s not the best way for me to be the woman I am desperately trying to find. I need to set boundaries, I have to learn to say no and put my foot down. I can’t be everything to everyone, I need to everything to me and then help others as I can. This is going to be harder than I thought but, it has to be done. I am in control of my life, I am choosing me first. My son is in agreement and of course Raiyhn only wants her momma to be happy. I sat in silence for most of the day and channeled my inner peace. It’s was much needed and refreshing.
I started watching a show on Netflix today – Sweet Magnolias, actually, I can’t wait to get back to watching it after I’m done with this. I knew I would love it from the previews but, it’s better than I imagined. Three strong women, raising children, going through a divorce, navigating dating, starting a new business, beginning new chapters of their lives. Once a week they have margarita night and it’s just the three of them. I don’t have that with anyone, I have great friends but they are all caught up in their lives – and rightly so. I feel like I could be on that show. I am navigating uncharted waters for me, doing things I don’t want to be, feeling things I would rather not. Life is so up in the air right now yet, I just know I am going to be okay because, when push does come to shove, I’ve got a good support system. I’m impatient and prefer order. I think that’s why God is shaking things up for me right now, trying to teach me to expect the unexpected and still land on my feet.
My emotions are all over the place and I’m doubting myself, my gut, my heart, what I know to be true. As I step back and evaluate this, I’m confused if it’s my doubt or the evil spirits, or perhaps even God testing me. I feel compelled to keep the faith so to speak and know that all will be okay. I know 2020 is not working out the way I planned but, plans change and so, I’m figuring out what other things I want to accomplish this year. I know that once we can stop this stay in place I want to travel somewhere. I’ve been wanting to go to Jubilee Days in Wyoming for a few years and this was going to be the year. Maybe it still will be, it will just be different than how it was supposed to be. I’ve also been thinking of how to buy a house and wanting a baby. I’m not getting any younger and I want a little girl so bad. That was our plan…what we were trying for. Now there’s just a me and I thought I could do without her, I told God that if I could have my little one back, I would let my dream of a baby girl go. But, it seems I’m not getting him back and so now my heart has two holes for my babies, three if you count Rafe. I don’t know if I can make it happen or even what that would look like. I’m just putting all of my wishes out into the universe. With all of the things against me in the reproductive department, it would take God’s hand in this to make it come true. So, I will dream big. Miracles happen every day.
Okay, I think I’ve spoken my truth enough. I may turn out to be the writer I know I can be if I keep being my true self while writing. We will see.