Have you ever watched the movie Parenthood with Steve Martin? If not, shame on you! It’s a wonderful movie about life and parenting and it reminds you that there is no perfect way to parent…helps me feel like less of a failure. Well, spoiler alert, towards the end of the movie, grandma talks about the rollercoaster and how it’s her favorite ride – all of the ups and downs and so forth. She wasn’t just talking about the ride, she meant life as well. Life is full of ups and downs and it’s the happiness and excitement of the ups that help us to get through when the rollercoaster is coming down. I love rollercoasters but, I hate riding it alone.
Today was filled with ups and downs and now I am feeling the weight of the day weighing heavily on me physically. I hope I am not getting sick. I had to drop some things off to my uncle at the hospital and the car ride was empowering. I listened to a great song and put it on repeat until I had most of the lyrics memorized. Again, something I suggest for you – The Champion by Carrie Underwood. I felt strong, confident and like I could take on the world. I was able to make some posts and be silly for a while which was nice. Then I remembered what is going on in my life and I was brought back down again, burdened with uncertainty.
See, not trying to sound cocky at all, but, I do not need a guy, I have had boyfriends before and all they did was bring me down. I had to take control of the relationship, I had to be the dependable one, I felt like their mother and let me tell you, that’s not a turn on. So, no, I am not afraid of being alone because I have been there before and I have made it. I am very resourceful when I have to be. But, when a man comes along and shows you what it’s like to be in a real give and take relationship, when he fulfills his duties as a man so well that you can rightfully take your place as the woman in the relationship, well honey, that is freaking amazing and sexy as hell. I am all for women’s rights and liberation but, man, it feels good to be a woman, to only have to fill one set of shoes instead of two, to have someone dependable to share the load, to lean on when needed, there’s nothing like it. So, when you lose that relationship, it’s harder to go back to doing it all, not because you can’t but, because you don’t want to. You know how it’s supposed to be now, how it feels, how much stronger you are because of it. Without the duo, the ups seem fewer and far between while the downs seem to last longer and dive deeper.
I was sexy, sassy and confident then when to frustrated and defeated all in the same day. What upsets me most is that I had so many valid reasons to walk away but I didn’t because I was in love, like madly, deeply, this is the one, in love. We were planning our wedding and trying to have a baby so I thought he was too. Even though we weren’t perfect, our relationship wasn’t perfect, our children are not perfect, we were perfect for each other and since God brought us together, nothing could pull us apart. So, why was it so easy for him to walk away? Did he not love me the same? If so, I dodged a bullet right? I found out before we got married. But, if he does and I believe he does, then how on earth could you cause so much pain to the person you love? To know me better than I know myself and know that I would torture myself trying to make sense of all this and still walk away. Maybe I’ve got this all wrong. Maybe he doesn’t love me.
I wasn’t expecting to write that but, it just surfaced. I chose to stay and he chose to leave. We all have choices. What I don’t have a choice on is surviving and thriving. I have to keep pushing forward. I had to stay on the rollercoaster no matter how many people are on it with me or how many get off. This ride is mine, so, I can influence the lengths of the ups and downs. This is the process I am going through now. Even when something upsets me, I have to remind myself of all the things that are going right in my life. It’s easier to manifest positive things when you are in the right mindset. Besides, I’m on the verge of a breakthrough and can’t nobody take that from me.
I promise to keep putting in the work and wearing as many hats as I have to in order to become the person I want, to live the life I want, to make a difference in others lives. I will keep believing that what God has put in my heart will come to fruition. If for some reason it doesn’t, I pray that God will at least fulfill my most requested wish….to heal my family – even if we don’t reunite, please God, I ask that we all be healed.
This mission I am on, I would surely love to quit. I could go back to my little corner where I don’t know what’s going on in the world and accepting what I’m being fed and not grow into what is waiting for me. It’s the easy way out and unfortunately for me, I never do anything easy. I always make things difficult. Why would my life be anything different? I am listening to the universe and my body and perhaps my gut is just tired, if not, I see more heartache in my future. Either way, I will get through it.
A reason, a season or a lifetime…… how long are you choosing to be in my life?