Leaving It On The Table

Yesterday, I was at my wit’s end. I just had too much bottled up and some of it spilled out into what I wrote. It was all the truth and let me tell you, I feel so much better today because of it. There should never be repercussions for telling the truth, for telling your truth – as long as it doesn’t hurt someone else. I know I am not the only one navigating my way through this. Trying to find my way in life and going through a split that I don’t want to be going through. Trying not to think of my family never being whole again while trying to be whole for my son as a single parent again.

I thought I was passed all of this. I found the one whom makes my soul sing, I found my soulmate, the man I am meant to walk this path with. I know things weren’t perfect, I know I am far from perfect but, LOVE, love is the best reason to stay and choose each other every day and continue fighting for your relationship since there are so many others out there that will never experience what we have. I said I wouldn’t do it again. I can’t imagine being with anyone else because I am his. He has my heart, he’s had it in all of our lifetimes together.

I got news today that one of my friends are sick, like really sick and they may not have much longer to live. Of course that struck a chord in me. We are wasting time apart that we could be spending together. Time we can never ever get back. Missing out on memories we will never be able to make. I can’t explain how this all makes me feel.

Nobody is perfect, nothing is perfect and a lot of the time we get so caught up in the day to day that things fall through the cracks. In my relationship there were things that I thought were so important to me that I wouldn’t give in and let me tell you how unimportant they feel to me now. Other things I thought were unimportant that mean the world to me. What’s more, the more I work on myself, the more I accept who I am today and how I got here, the more I am able to understand the simple needs that my Honey needed and what they meant to him. Things I was unable to give him not because I didn’t want to, because I didn’t know how to because of past trauma in my life, things that I buried instead of dealing with, things that caused me to make up excuses instead of just being honest, things that caused so many fights that are insignificant because I just want to be with him and I will put in the work.

You know, the thing is, stuff like this happens every day, I know I am not the only one. Some think that the work they do is for the next person and that might be true. That’s not the case for me, I knew that my Honey would be the end all be all for me. The work that I am doing is for me, because it was time and needed to be done. That’s all he ever wanted for me, for me to love me the way he did, for me to see me the way he did. Now that I am here, loving me, seeing me, I see how much more I can love him because of it. I didn’t better myself for him either…. for it to be real, for it to be true, for it to stick and not just be a phase, it has to be for me. When someone’s wishes can be for you to be the best you – when they unselfishly pray for you, you know you’ve got a one.

My breakthroughs keep coming. It’s like I unlock a new lock to myself every day. If he knew, he’d be so proud of me. I can hear him right now – that’s my baby, I knew you could do it! Your so fucking amazing and I’m so proud of you! I love you very muncho! Oh, the smile I’d get…. the smile he only gives me, it makes my heart skip a beat. Hopefully one day he’ll know.

Please don’t think I am getting off of track, everything I am dealing with on the daily is one step closer to finding the Stephie I am meant to be. I’m going to have good days and bad days, I’m going to be positive and frustrated but, like I tell my little one – happy, sad, good or bad, I am committed to this and I’m going to keep on going.

I thank God for the peace he gave me today after how hard yesterday was. I appreciate the time that I have to take care of me right now and my family. Allowing me to be the strong one and do what’s necessary. I have surprised myself with how my thinking has changed. I like being more open and optimistic. May tomorrow be even better than today.

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