Food for Thought

I’m sitting here watching Grey’s Anatomy re-runs and my mind is wandering. Meredith said, if today was your last day on earth, how would you spend it? I can honestly say, not like today. I would not have chosen the head space I have been in. I would not relive today.

They say that time heals all wounds but, I think that’s a bunch of shit. If time can heal your wounds, then what you felt may not have been real. I know that time will not heal my wounds and I wouldn’t want them healed. If they hurt less, if they heal then I won’t feel what I feel right now, some may doubt that what we had was real. I can’t allow that to happen. I won’t allow that to happen. I’ll take the pain and keep the memories and everything else I possibly can.

My heart is hurting, I’m missing MY person. I am missing my best friend, the love of my life. Living life without him sucks. I can’t share my day to day, I can’t confide in him or ask for advice. I haven’t heard his voice except in videos that I have. I haven’t felt his touch. I think that’s the worst, I want to hold his hand, I want to hug him and so much more. I am a freaking mess and I am tired of keeping it bottled in, I am done trying to “get over it” or “move on”. I haven’t contacted him but, believe me, that’s taking everything I have not to do.

I miss my little one. We were supposed to watch Scoob together when it came out and instead, all I have are pictures of us in front of the display thing from the movie theater from when we went to see Sonic the Hedgehog. I miss his love and the way he gets mad at me. Him always saying how much he loves me and telling me how beautiful I look all of the time. I miss my son, even though we aren’t blood, he is mine and I am his. Happy, sad, good or bad – that is what I promised him.

I’m all messed up and in my feelings and I can’t keep them bottled up anymore. I am working on me and I am oh so positive about my future but, I honestly don’t know what that looks like anymore. I can pray, I can manifest but, it’s all in God’s hands. I relinquish control and I would like to shut my brain off for a while. I don’t want the pain to stop, I want to feel it because I don’t want to lose my connection, I just need it numbed for a while so that I can get the bottle cap back on.

All I can say is hormones are blah. I am strong and if I am forced to do this by myself, I know I will make it. I’ve started over before but this time will be so different. It’s hard to breathe.

I don’t know what else to write right now without making myself even more vulnerable than I already am. I’m gonna cuddle my little princess and call it a night.

Everything happens for a reason and God is guiding my steps. I have to keep my faith for today and hope for the future.

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