Hope Floats

This morning started off with an unexpected sighting that caught me off guard. My heart sank and my whole body tingled. Have you ever been so close to something and yet so far away? That’s how I felt, it was blissful and excruciating at the same time. I didn’t escape unfazed, however, I’m here to tell the story. Hey, I’m all about the little victories these days and although I despise considering this a victory, it’s been forced upon me and I choose to make lemonade out of lemons.

We decided to watch Hope Floats for the millionth time, I love that movie! I’ve always taken the same things from it every time I’ve watched it but today was different. Although some parts were the same, others were received with reluctance. I never realized that when you’re really going through something, when you are in a season of extreme challenge and growth, everything you come in contact with has the potential to be a lesson or a life changing experience. As I said, a movie I have seen over and over again made me think more than it ever has. So, if you’re every in a place like this – I pray you take what the universe is giving you even if you don’t understand it at the time. Just hold on to it until you need it. Everything happens for a reason.

My mom reminded me of Birdie’s mom (something I’ve never thought before), the two of them butt heads but there is so much love between them. Neither truly understand the other completely because they are so different but there is a shared understanding and respect at the end of the day. A momma needs her child and a child needs her momma. When push comes to shove we show up for each other.

Justin says – Dancing is just a conversation between two people. It’s one of my favorite quotes from the movie. I love to dance. I love to be in the arms of my loved one as we move our bodies to the sound of the music. Dancing in sync, having a good rhythm speaks volumes to the compatibility of a couple. Dancing can be a simple expression of love. There is something about dancing that speaks to my soul. I don’t get to do it enough but, I truly believe a conversation is taking place. It requires patience and understanding, trust and commitment, connection and attention in order to move as one.

Later on Justin gets mad at Birdie and says how she used to be audacious, everyone noticed her when she walked in a room. My mom of course looked at me. This is what she always tells me. I used to be so strong and she wants my son to see that part of me. I had decided I didn’t want to go back to who I used to be, but I think finding that part doesn’t require me to revert back to who I was. I can be a strong, independent, bad-ass woman and not be as harsh as I once was. I choose what comes in and goes out now. I’m not settling for less than the best of me.

Bill leaving Bernice behind…she is begging her daddy to take her and he says that he can’t right now. This is his chance for a fresh start. Bernice is utterly crushed, not understanding why her daddy that says he loves her is choosing not to take her with him. Feeling unwanted by a parental figure is the worst kind of rejection. Kids need to feel wanted. No.Matter.What. It’s not up for debate, there are no stipulations. This part of the movie gets me every time.

At the end, Birdie says to just give hope a chance to float up and it will. Life is so unpredictable and people nowadays are ruthless. Sex is common and commitment is scarce. It’s a dog eat dog world and you can be erased from someone’s memory in a moment without a second thought. I will keep doing me, being who I am, just a better version and I’ll see what comes of it. Having hope is what keeps me going. At this point, the picture of my future isn’t as clear as it recently was. But, I believe in God, I believe in me and what’s meant for me. I will keep having hope, I will keep moving forward. The universe is listening.

Tomorrow may not look as I’d like it, but, it’s meant for me and so I will take it. I’m jumping into the unknown head first….may my angels be watching over me.

I guess what you should take from this, what I am taking from this is what I mentioned in the beginning, everything in my life has purpose, even a movie I’ve seen a dozen times. Perhaps life has always been this way and I wasn’t paying attention. But, I can’t coulda, woulda, shoulda, I must have faith in God’s plan and know without a doubt that there is a reason for my awareness now. I have to put the pieces of the puzzle together, and maybe then, my puzzle can be complete again, or re-arranged to be whole even with some pieces missing.

My birthday is a month and a few days away and it will not be celebrated the way it should have. So many things were in the works for this year. This was to be THE YEAR but for completely different reasons. I was supposed to be growing more physically than emotionally, I was supposed to be planning my happily ever after. I am slowly….like a turtle….dealing with the twists and turns of this year that I did not plan for. Unfortunately it’s so much more than what I have been given with my Nana having surgery and my Uncle still in the hospital with various tests being run and all of this Covid-19 business. Without this time, without my sudden loneliness, I might not have been brave enough to start this blog. I took a chance on me. I decided to fight for me instead of asking someone else to do it. You shouldn’t ask someone to do something you’re not willing to do yourself. Bam! I’m doing it. I’m my own Queen in Shining Armor. My cup runneth over.

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