From The Heart

Stephanie Andrade, that’s who I am, well, at least, that’s my name. People think that a name isn’t important and I partially agree. You see, Stephanie Andrade wasn’t important to me because I had no attachment to Andrade. My whole life, I couldn’t wait for the day when my last name would mean something to me, when I could carry a name that I loved and that the people that bore that name as well, loved me, chose ME, chose to give me their name. I was lucky enough to find that, to be chosen and although I will never get the chance to share that name, I’ve found it, and I will have no other. So, now, I need to make peace with Andrade. At least I have two nieces and a nephew on the way that will share it with me. Maybe one day I will learn to accept it. I am so much more than a name or a title.

I want to love and be loved, nothing else really else matters. Status symbol, money, fame, etc, none of it means anything to me. I will always choose love. That’s what I want. I have had different kinds of love, but nothing compares to the love you give and receive as a parent or when you’re truly in love. When you’ve found that love, nothing else compares. When you’ve found true love, nothing else will do. You can’t just get over it, or give it time. You know then that you’ll be waiting it out until the end of time. It would be unfair to you and the other person to give them any less than your all and frankly, that’s is something you will never be able to do when your heart belongs to another.

I have to be honest, I am so very proud of the change I’ve made with myself in a little over a month. My family can see the difference. I am speaking my peace, letting my opinion be known. I have learned to love myself and listen to my body. I am continuing to make progress each day. I still have work ahead of me and I will not stop. I will continue to fight for what’s meant for me.

In this process, I have had daily talks to God, many prayers and I keep manifesting what I want in my heart. Now what I want, truly want, has not come to fruition and I didn’t expect it to happen over night but, I am wondering if it is ever going to happen. I won’t give up and I know that our God is a God of abundance but, in between asking for what my heart desires, I’ve had to turn my prayers over to asking Him to heal my grandmother and now my Uncle. Asking for anything else at the same time feels selfish. That’s usually why I don’t ask for much, there are so many people around the world, that are sick or injured, etc, and I am asking for something other than that. But, what I am asking for is important to me, means the world to me, I want my family, I want us healed and whole and together forever. I don’t care if it’s in a box or a mansion, I don’t care if it’s on a bicycle or a bus, as long as we are together. My biggest request as of lately is for God to heal us, to heal them. Take away our hurt and disappointment and anything else that make us feel undeserving of each other and the love we share. But, if I misunderstood God when he said that they were for me, then please allow for them to heal and be happy because I love them too much to want anything less.

There are so many people in this world just trying to find their place, wishing that someone else understood them. I was lucky enough to find my place and I am utterly lost without it. If all else fails and I am unable to keep it, at least for a moment, I knew what “home” felt like. Some may say that they rather never know because then it wouldn’t hurt so bad, but, those are the ones that haven’t felt it. The ones that have, know that even feeling it for one minute is better than never at all. So many things don’t make sense in this world, so many people are superficial and lack empathy. Making a true connection is hard and laborious and an act of love. To open yourself up, to give of yourself and not be assured that what you put in will be reciprocated is hard and risky but so worth it. Just understand that if you do, you’re better for it. And, if what you want is not given in return, maybe the person was giving you all they could. I have made many mistakes in my life, but, I’ve given my all and if my all wasn’t enough, I apologize, I gave you what I had at the time.

My life is changing at such a fast pace, and not being in control brings so many uncertainties. I don’t know what tomorrow holds. I’ve given it to God. If I could give you advice, remember, communication is key. If you can be honest with those you love, things may not always be perfect but, at least you have an honest place to start from. I kept things because I was ashamed and now I wish I would have spoken up so that wrong assumptions would not have been made. My heart is in knots but, God has a plan.

…the house don’t fall when the bones are good.

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