Last night was restless, I didn’t get much sleep and the sleep I did get was not restful at all. When I get to this point, I usually give in and allow the negative to beat me down. I can’t do that right now. I am committed to breaking this cycle.
So, today even though things are not great, my Uncle is in a world of pain and we just don’t know what to do about it, Nana is stressing and my left arm is killing me for some reason, I am choosing to be positive, to remind myself of this journey I am on. Perhaps this is a test, for me to prove that I mean what I say, that I truly am internalizing everything and growing from it. These are not just words, this is what I needed in my life. I have to stay the course, no matter what comes my way. Here I am making a conscious effort to keep moving forward. Good attracts good and I deserve all of the good coming my way.
I am starting to think that my life may not turn out how I planned, that I may be on a completely new path. I don’t want to accept it and I hope to God that I am just misreading things because of what’s going on but, just in case, I must prepare for this. I know that I am being more open-minded but, I am realizing that I must be even moreso. God continuously reminds me that I am not steering this ship and every time I resist him or try to take the wheel, I am shown that He is in charge. I must completely give it to him and right now, I am tired, so, the break is much appreciated.
Don’t think that I am not learning and listening because I am. Yesterday was a breaking point. I was done and convinced that I couldn’t do all of this on my own. See, my whole life, I’ve carried so many burdens on my shoulder without any sort of relief, searching for someone that was able to give me a reprieve, even if for a few moments. When I met Honey, I instantly knew he was who I had been searching for. He did shoulder my burden and gave me the break that I needed, it felt so good that I allowed him to take it from me. I put that on him and although it was appreciated, it wasn’t fair. I always had to wear the pants, I always had to make the decisions so when he came into my life, I was able to relinquish the power, I was able to be the woman to his man. After a while, that got tiring for him and although I understood, I didn’t truly internalize or search for a way to rectify it. We should have shouldered the burden together – his and mine. Like in the Guardians of the Galaxy when Peter Quinn grabs the orb thing and it’s destroying him but, when Gamora takes his hand, it’s now both of them against the power. As a partnership, everything should be split, everything should be shared, it doesn’t make you less of a person to share instead of doing things on your own, that’s the benefit of a relationship.
I’m not ready for that right now, I lost myself a long time ago and I know now that I have to regain my power before I can truly share it with someone else. I am doing all of this by myself, it’s hard and sometimes I stumble, but, I am doing it. I have to show myself that I am capable of anything and will survive and thrive no matter what is thrown my way. I am whole, and I’ve got this. Once I know in my heart that this is true, then I can fight for what I want, I can be a better version of me, I can be a half to a healthy relationship. I need to know I won’t lose myself again. It may not make sense to anyone else, but, it does to me.
I may try to post again later today, I just had to get this out so I can get back to being the Stephie I have been working so hard to find.