First of all, let me apologize for how I ended things yesterday. I tell you, I write this from my heart and literally write down what I am thinking. So, when I got to a certain point, stuff came across my mind that I hadn’t yet thought of and just threw me off. I couldn’t get back on track and so I thought it best that I just stop where I was at.
I’ve been in a funky mood with quite a few ups and downs all day. Thankfully I am able to talk things out but, there are some things that my family doesn’t understand. It makes things difficult sometimes. But, then I think, maybe it is supposed to be that way. I am meant to think independently, do things that my way and not follow suit. Honey would say that our parents did the best they could with the knowledge they had but, our generation has access to more information literally at our fingertips. We now know that things we thought were true aren’t, that there’s more to the story or the story was altered for someone’s benefit. We have the opportunity to be the change, to do things differently for ourselves and for future generations. I never thought I was meant to be a follower and I think that when I start to march to the beat of another’s drum, God does something to give me a reminder that I am the drum major in my story…. he will only allow me to march to the beat of my drum.
Wow, when you go through a transformation, when a major shift happens in your life, you don’t think about every little aspect that will be impacted. I’ve considered all of the things that are immediate and the major things that will be effected if all things continue as is but, I didn’t think about crossing my t’s and dotting my i’s. All of my plans for the future, they had this new Stephie in mind…. but, I wasn’t doing it solo. I know what I want, but, how am I going to get there?
My mom suggested I go back to school today. I told her that we talked about it in length and I am not sure it’s in my best interest. I have 20 years of experience under my belt and no student loan debt. Would going back to school actually be beneficial? Not when I was trying to have a baby, not when family is my priority right now. I don’t want to answer to anyone. I want to try my own thing for a while. I know I always have a back-up if all else fails. Then we started talking about what I wanted and I told her about wanting property (not in the valley) to care for pitbulls. I told her our plans and what we wanted, I still want that. I don’t know if I could make a living out of that so, I need to figure out how to bring in income that will support me being able to take care of pitbulls. This valley is stifling me. Now only having to consider myself and Jeremiah, although I want him to finish high school at my alma mater, I am not tied to staying here. It’s all up in the air right now.
I can’t explain how torn I feel. I had a plan, and I know plans change and things can be better and all of that bullshit that people tell you but, no, I had the best, the plan was the best, it ignited a fire in my soul. It’s what got me through the times when I hated myself and considered calling it quits. Our dreams, they are what inspired me to not give up because beauty awaited. I know I will be okay, I know things will work out. No.Matter.What. That’s not the point, it’s all of the little things. It’s all of the little things.
I am a woman made up of little things. A little bit of this and a little bit of that, a thought here, a gesture there, a memory, a moment, etc. I’m a romantic at heart, I believe the best in everyone and have faith that things will work out. I made not always think highly of myself but, I always think the best of my tribe. I want to be everything for them and often I fail…but, I will always try. All of the successes and failures are part of the little things, my past made me who I am, my present is what is forcing me to make changes, and my future is why I haven’t given up. If you could see the picture I’ve created in my head, you’d wish that you could have my future.
Let me tell you, things have not always gone right. I am clumsy and chaotic and stubborn, hard headed and slow to change. I’ve given in too easy and not quickly enough. I’ve pushed and I’ve been pushed. I’ve made right decisions and poor choices, and everything else in between. If you haven’t been in my shoes, then you can’t judge. We are all doing our best each day. Today was better than yesterday and the plan is for tomorrow to be better than today. Hey, I’m telling you, if I can look at myself in the mirror and honestly love the person I see staring back at me, if I can tell myself I am beautiful and I am worth it, then I consider that a win in my book. Let’s embrace the funk. Just roll with it my dear.
I’m here, laying it all out on the line, not sure where it’s going to get me but, I’m doing it. Moving beats sitting still any day.
I like myself, I’m glad I’m me, there’s no one else I’d rather be. My life is great and my future is bright. God is working in my favor, for my favor and nothing can stop the process. I welcome health, wealth, abundance and happiness, today and every day.