Yesterday took so much out of me. I did what I had to but, man, it took a toll on me physically, mentally and emotionally. I have spent most of the day in my head, reminding myself how badass I am and trying not to pick apart the day and find flaws. At the end of the day, everyone was pleased with how I attacked the day.
On the plus side, Nana started walking without her walker in the middle of the night and has done so all day today. She is so stubborn, she wanted me to sleep after the day I had and when she realized the walker is what woke me up to know that she was awake, she decided to walk without it so I would stay sleeping. She is doing great and I am very proud of her. Her Physical Therapist came today and he was super impressed too. So, yay!
My missing pieces are being super missed today. Thursdays are significant and today is Thursday. With me being so tired today, I didn’t keep myself busy enough to take my mind off of it. That’s okay though, I have to acknowledge and accept what I am thinking and feeling. I am all about feeling and thinking about how much I love my peoples turns a blah day into a bearable day.
Life is moving on, yesterday is in the past and today is almost at it’s end. Soon tomorrow will be over as well. We are given an exact number of days that we will be on this Earth. While we don’t know what our number is, we can decide how to spend the days. I would have liked to be more productive outwardly… I was productive inwardly and here I am still committed to this blog.
Speaking of this blog, I cannot believe that I have written over a month’s worth of posts. I often go back and read through them – at the very least I read the one from the day before so I can internalize where I was at and what I want to accomplish for the day. I know I am getting the hang of this. My posts are not as erratic as they were in the beginning and I think I am starting to make more sense. Although I think today is kind of a wash.
I’ve been teeter tottering lately, I think you might notice in my writing (I’m not good at hiding things). I have a moment of absolute happiness and peace and then the next moment is a feeling of loneliness. I am working on that..but, I think that’s what makes me human. All of the transformation I am doing is great but, I will never be perfect, nor do I want that. I guess at some point, I have to realize that I’ve reached a place of contentment and make minor adjustments instead of major. Now it’s a matter of figuring out where to draw the line. I guess that my determining factor could be the day that I don’t have to remind myself to not be too hard on me, when I love myself flaws and all. I’m getting there, I promise. I look at myself with love so much more than I look at myself and think yuck. The bad days will come…. I just hope they are less frequent than the good.
I don’t know what God has planned for my life but, I know it is big and I know that it is coming. I can feel with every inch of my body that I am in a season of growth and I will soon know what’s in store for me. I am living in faith and fully trusting the process. I am nervous about when the world goes back to normal. I don’t want to be fast paced anymore. I know that I need time to be able to smell the roses, to appreciate the small things, to give me time. Our plan was to never stay here. As I grow I am realizing that I think I am outgrowing this place.
Okay, that hit a chord I wasn’t ready for and all of the thoughts that are flooding my mind. I just can’t put them out there at the moment and not break down. Shit, I am so mad at myself for not being here earlier, for not having these realizations faster….when I was able to have a say on what was going on. When my opinion mattered and now….. now I don’t have a say, I am without what I want. These epiphanies that should be revelations and aha moments suck…they hurt.
I can’t do this anymore tonight. I am sorry for not being positive and cheery and end with something witty. I’ve said it before, I am not perfect and things are messy. Right now I have to go think about everything that rushed to my mind and work it out so that I can calm down and go to sleep.
Tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start. Looks like I need both right now.