I can’t even explain the day I’ve had, I am beyond exhausted and just need a good cry. This is harder than I’d like to admit. Doing life and braving through things at my age…by myself. Not that I can’t do it by myself, obviously I can but, it was easier and better when I had him to share it with. I could run ideas by him or count on his knowledge and quick thinking to help me get through any situation. Or at the very least, he lent me his ear to listen, his shoulder to cry on and his heart to love. Even when I felt like I was alone, I wasn’t because he was there. ALWAYS! I needed that so desperately today…..
The other day when my Nana was fresh out of the hospital, we were all stressed because she was in pain and there was nothing we could do about it. I was sitting on the couch with my mom and dad and she put her leg on his and he rested his hand on it. The subtle exchange of support was overwhelming, reminding me that I don’t have that anymore. I have love and support but, it’s not the same, you know what I mean. To have your partner that you share everything with, to share how your day went or to be told I love you a dozen times a day, to hold their hand or kiss their lips or be comforted in their embrace. It’s all of the little things that others take for granted, those are the things that got me through my day. My little reminders that I wasn’t in this alone and no matter what, we’ve got this. But now… I have to do it on my own and I don’t want to. I will and I am but, I don’t want to. If you could feel what I felt, you would understand.
So, today, having to run around and get things done on a few hours of sleep was more than I bargained for. Before I left my Nana said that I had to be her, I had to take charge, she knew I could do it and she was proud of me. That helped get me through the day. I had a few people get stupid with me today and I had no problem handling my own. I was not in the mood. But, there were songs that came on at the wrong (or the universe may say the right) time and got me emotional. Then, heading home tonight, the moon was shining down on the sea and it was like a beacon from God that he is shining his light down on me.
I was tested in many ways and yet, I am here, half falling asleep writing this. Meaning… I made it through everything, I didn’t back down and my family is much appreciative of my efforts. I may not being going to bed with a full heart, but, it’s close enough. I continue to amaze myself each day with what I am capable of. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me…. don’t believe me, just watch!
Bedtime, until I have to get up with the Nana! Sweet Dreams ❤