In My Head

Have you ever believed in something so much that you weren’t worried? You’ve been so confident in it that you had no need to stress? There are only a few things in my life that I know for certain are meant for me. God had a purpose with each one and even though most of the time I overthink everything (and sometimes with these too), in the back of my mind, in my heart, I just know.

I am a mess and mess seems to find me. Sometimes I make no sense and other times I make all of the sense in the world. I stress about unnecessary things and then don’t stress enough about the big things. My thought process may not be clear to others (shhh…sometimes to me either) but, I know there is always a reason behind it. I know that I need to learn to trust the process of everything like I do the few things I believe fully in. If I lived my life believing everything was for me, everything would turn out great, oh how my life would be. That would require me to get out my head. I’m working on it but, old habits are hard to break. I promise you, even with all of this, there is beauty in my chaos.

My mind, my body, my soul requires a special kind of love. I’m not for the faint of heart or those not willing to put in the work. I am simply complicated and perfectly imperfect and to those special few, these words make complete sense. I am whole as I am but, I believe that my people are part of me, they are like my armor, making me stronger, bigger, better than I am without them. For them, my love does the same in return. I have been broken in so many ways, had my power taken from me, had me taken from me that I deemed me unworthy of the love I crave to survive. Through this process of finding myself, I understand now that all of these tribulations were lessons, things that shaped the person I now am – whether good or bad and it created a road map for the right person to find the real me, to see me for who and what I am. For them to love me as is and not be moved by what haunts me. They would be my strength when I am weak, push me when I am about to give up and see the beauty in me when I’m swimming in a sea of self hate. He would urge me to pick up all of my broken pieces and gently piece myself back together again as he stood guard while I was vulnerable. He would expose his broken pieces to show me that I’m not the only one but, I am uniquely fit with him. He would make my soul sing.

What if I told you that my soulmate could make me laugh til I snorted, and knew just what to do when my mind got the best of me and I was falling apart? What if I told you we fit together like a lock and key, my head lay perfectly on his chest as I watched it rise and fall while breathing, taking in the beating of his heart filling mine with love.

I was and probably am a little in denial and disbelief of where this has all taken me. But, here I sit writing and can say with pure confidence that I love myself, I am somebody and God has a plan for me. These are things I would not have learned if I wasn’t in this situation. I was forced to spend time with myself, to make me a priority, to hold myself together for the sake of my son and my sanity. I know I am whole and I am responsible for my happiness. Other factors can affect my mood but, I choose what stays and what goes. I am thankful for this time to myself….although I’m completely missing all of the little things.

Don’t get me wrong, I am more in love today than I was when this all started, I guess loving myself gave me the ability to love those I love even more. I truly am waiting for my heart to burst. I love my best friend more, I love my family more, I love my kids more (dogs included), I love him more. But, I don’t get to choose the future, that’s up to God. Right now I need to keep pouring into myself, continue taking this journey of self discovery, keep growing into the woman I am meant to be. There is a lot of hurt and miscommunication, a lack of trust and consistency that has been addressed but then left undealt with. I don’t think I was capable of diving down deep because then I would have to be brutally honest with myself, and since I was not my biggest fan, I thought that honesty could potentially destroy me. It took me having to be strong to help me cope with the time it took for me to have a hard conversation with the person staring back in the mirror.

Wow, I kind of took this all over the place, that’s how my mind works. My last boss wasn’t a fan, he wanted checklists and I make circles and hop from topic to topic…all while speaking very fast and using my hands to talk. This post should probably be edited but after all of the self-editing I did last night that made my typing so very freaking difficult, I am not going to do it to myself again. I am not going to edit what just came out of my head. Just know, I’m not giving up on this and I’m going to speak my truth. I have come a very freaking long way. I have a peace in my heart that is constantly present now and calms me when my mind wants to storm. I take this as a sign that I am following the path God has laid out for me. I believe this with all that I am.

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