Torn

Nothing about today went as planned…nothing about today was as special as it was meant to be. My sparkle was dulled a bit. I have been trying so hard to write this but, I don’t know what to say. I am trying so very hard to be positive and believe that everything will work out. But, there are some harsh realities I’ve been facing and my heart is aching.

The world is ugly sometimes and when we are in a bad place we try to drag others down with us. That’s a good thing about me, I am usually content with torturing myself. Meanness does not require meanness in return. Sometime no response is the best response. When I was younger I was told I had a silver tongue, I had quick wit but what came out of my mouth was usually hurtful. I learned to filter and with that, to think about what I say before I say it. Words once said cannot be taken back. You can apologize but the words have been released out into the universe. Often being on the receiving end of hurtful words, I have learned to choose mine wisely and speak with a purpose. I do not name call, I do not throw mud when I am angry because when the dust settles and the anger fades, unfortunately the hateful words spewed still linger. To add more insult to injury, I hold on to those awful words that were used to describe me, allowing them to continue to cause pain long after everything is said and done. So with me, you may apologize but, the damage is done. I like the saying if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. I wish more people would practice this.

Anyway, today was blah. I can’t tell you how unexpected some pieces of it were and not in a good way. What I would have given to have the day go as it was supposed to. I would be celebrating right now in a pretty dress and surrounded by family and friends. To make matters worse, something I ordered came in today of all days. I have such a headache and my mind is all over the place.

I failed at what this is all about in this post. I feel like I’ve taken a step backwards. In deleting posts, I edited what I was thinking and feeling. I am sorry. I promise I will be the only one steering this ship tomorrow.

Forgive my horrible writing tonight. Understand that I’m not perfect and I’m going to have hiccups. But, I still made it a point to get something out there. And so you know, I still tried my best at making today as great as I could make it with what was in my control. I laughed and was able to help my Nana which gives me a great sense of purpose. Talking about my future and what’s to come makes me happy. To know that what I feel is going to happen is small potatoes compared to what God has planned….well, it helps me breathe easier.

I love who I am. I love who I am becoming. I am pleased that so many others do too. I am appreciative of the people in my life. I love my family….everyone that I choose to love.

I’ll be better tomorrow.

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