Today has been draining to say the least. I woke up to a call from my Nana, she didn’t even say hello before she started asking how come I was at the hospital and didn’t come see her. I was confused. She kept saying that I was there with Isaac and I was talking to him outside of her room, she was calling for me but, I didn’t come. She asked why I was there and wouldn’t see her. I told her I was home and that I can’t see her otherwise I would be in the chair right next to her for every second of every day she was in the hospital. She just said oh. I was bawling like a baby. My Nana has done everything for us without hesitation and the one time she truly needs me, I can’t be there because of this stupid pandemic and to make things worse, she thinks I was there and then wouldn’t go see her.
With that I have been holding my breath, being on pins and needles all day. I knew she was scheduled for surgery and I need her to be okay but, I was also dreading another call from her thinking I would ever not go see her. Man, that’s been playing with my head. I had to have my mom make most of the calls to the hospital today. I’ve been in a daze. We finally heard this evening that she made it through surgery better than they thought but she will be in the hospital recovering for a few days. The nurse told my mom that my Nana thinks one of the other nurses is me and she keeps calling out for me. That broke my heart but, makes me feel good at the same time. Right now I am dealing with my own shit of wondering why I can’t be good enough or why am I not being missed. But, my Nana, my hero, she is missing me! She is asking for me, calling out for me! Talk about a confidence boost.
What I was holding my breath for has changed and now it’s for my Nana. You have to do for those that do for you, you have to show up for those that show up for you, you need to love those that love you. I have heard from so many people in the few days that we have been dealing with this and yet there are some that I expected to be here that aren’t. You learn your value to others in times like this. Harsh realities come into focus. It’s all part of the lessons I am learning. I think today was a monumental day for me. I don’t think I am a caterpillar anymore. I think I closed up my cocoon to begin my transformation. I feel different, I am thinking more clearly and I’m choosing me.
When Nana comes home she is going to need to steadily work to get herself back to where she was or maybe even better. I am going to take these few days to really meditate on what I want so that I can put in work to continue my process. If she can do it, so can I. What a great motivator. I have to be strong for her and I want to be able to take care of her. It’s my time to shine.
I am so grateful for this journey. It’s not even been a month and I have learned a lot about myself, who I want to be and what I don’t want. I will always keep growing but, I know that I have to celebrate my successes along the way. I never knew that my heart could swell with love and admiration for myself.
The tables are turning and I’m no longer holding my breath.