I am Tired

I am tired. Not the haven’t slept tired, I cried myself to sleep last night so, that’s not it. I’m the kind of tired that others are too busy to recognize, the kind of tired that if others took notice, maybe people wouldn’t lose their minds.

I’m tired of holding my breath for fear that he would leave only for him to leave. I’m tired of going to a job where no matter what I do, the opinion of one person can change how everyone else treats me. I am tired of not being able to raise my son how I want to without being criticized. I am tired of worrying about the bond my boys have created being torn apart because no one realizes how special it is. I am tired of saying things and not really being heard. I am tired of being made to feel like I am losing my mind but in reality it is you that keeps changing yours. I am tired of racking my brain wondering why I can’t be enough to be the only one. I am tired of people telling me how wonderful I am and then their actions prove otherwise. I am tired of hearing it’s not you when the only common denominator is me. I’m tired of getting my hopes up of a marriage and children and being too scared to make solid plans to have it all fall apart. I am tired of people being nice to my face and causing chaos when my back is turned. I am tired of staying quiet when others yell. I am tired of pretending everything is okay to save face. I am tired of not being able to fully enjoy my sexuality because someone took advantage of me. I am tired of no one trying to understand me completely, love me unconditionally, commit to me wholly but, expect me to. I’m tired of my brain constantly going and not giving me rest. I’m tired of crying and no one caring. I’m tired of letting someone else drive when they don’t believe in the destination. I am tired of hearing words not backed by meaning. I am tired of the mean words when I never say them back. I am tired of fighting for us when you’re only fighting me.

I’m tired in a way that affects me physically, mentally and spiritually. I am tired in a way that can’t be fixed with sleep. I am tired of my stupidity. I am tired of always trying to do the right thing instead of what’s right for me. I am tired of not taking more chances. I’m tired of wanting someone to choose me and mean it. I am tired of being sick and tired. I am tired of feeling insecure and unworthy. I am tired of the chase. I am tired of being in quarantine.

I am tired of not living my life the way it is meant to be lived. I am tired of not being with those that I love. I am tired of keeping my mouth shut when I have so much to say. I am tired of all the misconceptions.

Today I am allowing myself to feel all of this shit that I am feeling. I am allowing the tears to come and go and for my heart to ache. I am a survivor and this too shall pass. Judgement clouded by anger will cause stupid mistakes to be made. Tomorrow I will let this gray cloud pass to welcome the sunshine and thank God for the new day.

Stephie out!

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