Jumble of Emotions

Last night my Nana was having a hard time breathing and her lung was hurting, couple this with a fever and vomiting, nausea, a cough and runny nose…you know where our minds went. She was up at 11 pm calling the 24 hour nurse line she has access to. Not wanting to go to the ER, we knew I was going to have to take her somewhere this morning to get tested. Needless to say, there wasn’t much sleep in this house. Every time she moved we were asking if we could get her something. She was able to finally get herself comfortable. I woke up this morning and helped her get ready so that we could get on our way. It was an emotional morning because we did not want her to have to go to the hospital without us. We got lucky and there were only two other vehicles ahead of us at the drive up testing, everyone was very nice. She got tested and we will have the results in 3 days. The fact that they didn’t try to take her from us right there and then gives us hope that the results will come back negative. We will keep praying but we are so happy that she is home with us.

I was so distraught this morning but, I got to share the morning with my Nana, who is one of my favorite people. Her strength is something I have admired all of my life. We listened to worship music during the car ride and I loved that I got to share that with her. As I listened, a calm came over me. I am okay. Everything is going to be okay.

I’ve been numb the last couple of days, somewhere between emotional and emotionless, holding my breath, waiting to see if my life was going to fall apart. But, what I realized on the car ride home is that it’s not going to. It would have already happened but it didn’t. I am still breathing and my heart is still beating. I have survived every single thing I thought I wouldn’t. Don’t get me wrong, a piece of me is missing but, I can not control that. Right now, I only have the strength to control what I can. I am not lying when I say I have found a happiness within myself, an appreciation for who I am that I’ve never had. Each day my love for me grows.

I am choosing me. I am fighting for me…. I can’t wait or wish or pray for someone to do something I am unwilling to do for myself. It’s about damn time.

Now I need some sleep so that I can make sense when I try this again tomorrow.

May God watch over everyone I love, me included.

~ Desperately Seeking Stephie

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