Although the stay at home order has tested my patience and my sanity a few times, I know that it is exactly what was needed. I was always in a hurry to grow up and as a grown up, you are always pulled in a million directions and finding time for yourself is rare if ever possible. At least for me.
This time has given me a once in a lifetime opportunity to clear my head, to sort out things that have been haunting me for years and to get to know me. I thought time from work would help but, I was happily running around for my family. Making up for time I had missed while I was working. It took this quarantine for my life to come to a halt and therefore unravel my life.
As I have said, I am finally at peace with where I am at, who I am and choosing to love myself. I can’t explain the weight that has been lifted, I don’t feel like someone is standing on my chest and I can breathe. I am dreaming, and thinking and praying all day. Having great conversations with my son and spending time with family. Each day I wake up and start with a prayer, I’m not dreading the day.
I have all of these ideas in my head with what I want to do with my life, personal things I want to accomplish when we can break out of here – places we are going to go and I’m still trying to sort through it. I’m over talking about things, it’s time I prove to myself and a few others that I am more than just words. I can do anything I set my mind to.
I keep going back to words and beautiful things. Doing something that makes me happy and can put a smile on other’s faces. I would love to give back but, that may just need to be a hobby and not a career…at least not yet. So, I have a few ideas I am working on and hopefully I’ll have something to share soon. I’m actually kind of excited.
I’ll find time to work on that, but, right now my main priorities remain me and the kids. Jeremiah is going to be 15 in a few months and I need to spend as much time with him as I can. I have to make changes and do some other things to ensure that he grows up to be the best man that he can be. He has the potential but, it’s my responsibility to make it happen. The road has never been easy but, well worth it. I’ve learned a lot from my mistakes, and I’m blessed that he loves me no matter what. Right now, I have to lean into my boy.
I accept responsibility for everything I have done or haven’t done in my life. I am done standing still and I am proving that to myself daily. This journey has been eye opening and exhausting. I wouldn’t change who I am becoming though. I will never give up on myself again. I am worthy, I am enough and my dreams will come true. They may just look a little different these days.
Although, I may still be desperately seeking Stephie, I am not wandering aimlessly anymore. I’m focused on the future. If nothing else I planned for this year happens, I will keep my promise of Happy & Healthy 2020.
I’m Stephanie, and I’ve got this!