A Rough Night

Last night I had a hard time falling asleep. I couldn’t stop praying. Couldn’t stop my thoughts from coming. It seems that the more I make amends with myself, become content with who I am, the more a negative force tries to take me down. Dark thoughts try to penetrate my mind, want to erase all I’ve done. Sleep beckons me like I siren to a sailor. My low self esteem has always caused me to concede and give in to the monsters… I deserved to be dragged down, to be surrounded by darkness, it was a punishment befitting me. I don’t believe this anymore. I have earned the light, bright sunshine kissing my face. I have made mistakes, I have regrets, but, I am not alone. I am not less than anyone and I will overcome the negativity.

I am in good spirits and I know in my heart that God is working vigorously in my favor, in favor of my family. All of the pieces of the puzzle have to align to find harmony. Words left unspoken can create unwanted distance, unacceptable apologies and an unwillingness to forgive will lead to a false dissolution. Until we are perfect ourselves, who are we to withhold chances? Our hearts are smarter than our heads will ever be.

My soul is singing a song of love and happiness. My breath is full and unwavered. I am exactly where I am supposed to be…for the moment.

I used to cling to Hallmark Movies – wishing I could put myself in them. Everything was happy and conflict was easy and life was never messy. Now I watch them but find myself getting bored. Life is messy, messy is what makes life doable. I rather have my love argue with me than always be agreeable – arguing means you care. I want to make mistakes and grow from them instead of always doing the right thing. I want to work hard for what inspires me and win my battles against darkness proving I am human and I am capable.

Goodness, life is crazy and so am I. I will not keep apologizing for who I am. I’m quirky and not everyone’s favorite drink – haha… think of me as a jaeger bomb. I make big mistakes but I love in a HUGE way. My heart is pure and my intentions are good. I don’t have it all together but, for once, I’m embracing it. I’m not comparing where I am at to where others are. I can’t do that and love my life. AND, I love my life, I LOVE my family, I love my friends, I love myself – scars included.

To all that’s coming my way, I’m ready! ❤

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