Finding the Words

Words are my thing. Or well, they used to be. But, after a week of these posts, I am slowly finding my way back. This time that I write these, it’s just me and the laptop. I don’t let anyone distract me. I have something to say and I want to say it before I lose my train of thought or lose my nerve. I am smart and thoughtful and cautious of hurting someone’s feelings. But, my thoughts matter too. My whole thought and not just the portion I get to blurt out before being stopped or contradicted or thrown off track. I am not a jumbled mess of words or lies or not making sense. I used to be quick on my feet and would say things regardless if they hurt someone and I’m not that person anymore. I have to take time to think about what I say…use a filter. Make sure that the words that are coming out of my mouth is what I truly want to say.

When I say something it usually takes 50 words where someone else can say the same in 5. I guess I don’t articulate but it’s because my brain is thinking while my mouth is speaking. So, I usually have to talk around or through what I am trying to get at. If you don’t have patience for that, and don’t let me finish then you can misconstrue what I am trying to say. I think you can tell this in my writing here. Right now I am writing and posting unedited. I have so many thoughts and just need to get them out and posted before I chicken out and don’t write them. After a while, I will work on comprising pieces that have the strength behind them to go viral.

I have plenty of ideas and ways to get to what I want in my head and although I have an awesome support system, there are sometimes when you want to keep things to yourself in case you chicken out or the thing doesn’t come to fruition. It doesn’t mean I am weak or a failure. I understand that now. I have dreams and dreams about those dreams and back up ideas if any of those don’t pan out.

Have you ever watched the movie “Because I Said So”? If not, watch it…it’s wonderful. The main character, towards the end of the movie, the man she loves but she lost, he comes to find her and here’s what he says – pay attention to the bold parts:

Johnny - Even before I met you,
I had an instinct about you.
And once I saw you were a woman
with profound static cling,  
I wanted to be
that force around you.

I love that when I breathe you
in, you smell of cake batter.
And I love that
you have this insane way
of talking in circles
that makes perfect sense.

Milly - I do?
'Cause sometimes I feel like
nobody understands me but...

Johnny - Me.
I get you.
I love your eyes.  
I even love
your mother.

I love that part part about her talking in circles and it making perfect sense. I’ve had bosses frustrated to talk to me and people tell me to just get to the point. There is a point but, I paint a picture. Sometimes it doesn’t make sense and unless you truly get me, then you don’t get it. But, I’m worth getting. My words are worth hearing. I am so proud of myself for writing. I can see it coming back to me.

I have so much to say to you, if you’ll only listen.

My heart is flowing all over these pages. I am vulnerable and raw and true.

Hopefully I can find the right words. Not to make you stay….but, to show you what’s in my heart. Stay because you want to.

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