Today is another hard day, actually harder than yesterday. I feel like I am spinning out of control and just want to crawl in bed, watch a sad movie, cry and fall asleep. I am currently in bed watching a happy movie but with everything going on, there have been some tears. I am writing this as I promised to write a post a day. It is starting to ground me. I am being consistent and it’s forcing me to at least once a day, turn this shit floating around in my head to words as a way to process everything. I am not understanding what’s happening though.
This whole shelter at home is going to be the best and has the potential to be the worst thing to happen to me. I truly needed this time to process feelings that have been suppressed. I have been working straight since I was 18 years old. I only ever got time off after I had Jeremiah and dealing with post partum was no vacation. Other than that there were sick days and only one real – 1 week vacation. I didn’t have time for myself. We agreed that this would be my time.
I got off to a slow start because I wanted to make up for lost time with my family. So, picking Miah up from school each day was awesome…and getting Bradly on our days. I was able to take Jeremiah and his friends to the fair and on other days take friends home. It may seem small to you but it wasn’t something I’ve not been able to do. Our niece needed to get picked up from school one day and she called me. I felt so privileged that I was in a position to pick her up, take her to breakfast and enjoy her company. The satisfaction I felt doing all of these little things, and riding shotgun just to spend time, it was more than I had felt in a long time. I felt important and necessary. I woke up excited for the day.
Making moves looks different to every person. I was transforming on the inside and it showed on the outside. I was taking pictures again and feeling super happy. So, now is the time to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Eventually, I could be a stay at home mom and wife but, that’s wouldn’t mean do nothing. I had to think about what I love, what I am passionate about and find a way to make money off of it. I am most passionate about my family but, that’s not a money maker… I love pretty things and quotes and planning things. I love inspiration. Thinking of all these left me feeling happy inside but not any closer in my search for what to do.
A couple of years back, I created a desperatelyseekingstephie page on Instagram and I posted rarely but, I had hopes for the page. We had always talked about becoming our own brand, but, what if I started on my own? I needed to stop talking and start doing or I was going to cave and go find another job that I didn’t want. So…. I went and looked up WordPress and how much it would cost to own my own domain. It was fairly inexpensive and I didn’t have to make the page live until I was ready. I did it. If it didn’t work out, I just would never publish anything. I started to work on the pages and let me tell you I am not a fan of WordPress. That’s why my pages don’t look the greatest. I remembered after going through with WordPress that Wix is the site I am familiar with…but, it was too late. I started messing around with my first post. Before I knew it, it was done. I didn’t read it over so that I wouldn’t change anything but, I also didn’t post it. A couple of weeks later, something happened and to prove that I wasn’t just standing still, I made the site live. Now I’ve been posting once a day. I have been adding more content to my Instagram page as well. I don’t know if what I am writing here is any good. If people like it, if I am on the right path but, it feels right to me. Perhaps this is what I am meant to do. Perhaps I could become an influencer, someone that others can look to and realize they aren’t alone and things have to get ugly sometimes before the beauty shines through.
Today is hard for me, tomorrow probably will be too. I’m in uncharted waters and feeling really lonely. It would be so easy to curl up and go to sleep but then I wouldn’t be changing… I would be staying the same and then the naysayers would be right. I am stronger than I get credit for. I am making moves. I am proud of myself.
Momma said there’d be days like these, there’d be days like these my momma said.