A New Day

Today is a new day and life is different.

Jeremiah started his first day of “Distant Learning”. It was kind of cool but then made all of this social distancing really sink in. He was on his chromebook doing his schoolwork while his girlfriend was on Facetime and his friends were on the PS4 headset. They were helping each other to navigate their morning, providing whatever information they had and then assisting each other with their work. I heard live chats with teachers and the kids reading emails they had received. They were talking about their Sophmore class schedules that had been emailed to them and how they couldn’t wait to get back to school. None of them are excited about this online learning. Don’t get me wrong, my boy is not the biggest fan of school but, with going to school, he gets to see his friends and be his authentic self. I am appreciative of the tribe he has and how close they are. I hope the next eight weeks can prove to be as successful as I would deem today.

Life in isolation is getting harder on me. There are things in my life that aren’t right and I just can’t go out and fix them. It’s frustrating and confusing and messing with my positive attitude. I know that it is unrealistic to think that every day is going to be sunshine and rainbows but, it’s still what I would have liked. All of these emotions I have built up inside of me, they are about to boil over. It’s even hard to write because it’s hard to put into words what I am feeling.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs! I want to punch something so hard that it breaks. I want someone to hug me with so much love that the yuck I am feeling runs away scared. I need to know that even though I’m messed up, you’re not going to leave. I need for Miah to see that people stay. I need to feel that even if I am surrounded by chaos that I’m worthy of the good and love and happiness that I want.

Most importantly, if all else fails, I pray that God will watch over me as I pick up the pieces again.

Looking in the mirror, I don’t recognize the stranger staring back at me. Lost in the battle of who I am and who I want to be. Longing for a place where I belong but keep going about it all wrong. You say I am fragile and that I’m weak. There is a strength in my persistence to continue to pursue what I seek. My life may be a mess but I think this sums it up best: If love encompasses all, then you’re the fool not to fall. My love is like woah, not ready? Sure go… I know I’m one of a kind, walking away proves you’re out of your damn mind!

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