Today I heard from my sister through Facebook Messenger. She saw a video I posted on my DesperatelySeekingStephie Instagram page and reached out. It was so great to hear from her as we don’t talk often. After today, I am hoping that will change.
She said that while watching the video she was thinking to herself, “I kinda see her. I kinda see my sister that I looked up to for so long. When you smiled, I saw you.” We chatted for a long time after about so much and she gave me a lot of great advice. We’ve made plans to live chat tomorrow and hopefully to make it a regular occurrence.
One thing that stuck with me, she said that she misses the strong, independent person I was before I got with my son’s father. She said that after him, I was never the same. She’s not wrong. I got into a relationship with him in my early twenties. Before him, I never let anyone in enough that they could truly hurt me. I “hurt” them before they could hurt me. It was my way or the highway no matter if I was right or wrong. I am not saying that it was a good thing, it is just the way I was. I didn’t put up with anything or accept less than what I deserved. Then I fell in love, like real love because I got called out on how I was. I was asked how could I ever fall in love if I didn’t let myself fall and trust that he would catch me. So, I fell. We were good for a while but after a few years, and a traumatic experience, our relationship changed. Other things happened that caused me to leave him while I was 5 months pregnant. I thought I would have my family but, it didn’t happen. He broke my heart. I let him in, let him tear down my walls so that when he launched an attack so to speak, I had nothing to defend me. I lost a part of myself. We can go into more of what happened later perhaps and then also my fight with post-partum depression once my son was born but, the take away from this is the broken and feeling lost. I think this is where it began. Knowing this can help start the healing.
Feeling broken and lost, it’s not that I hadn’t had those feelings before but with all of my wall up, I was able to keep everything at bay. I didn’t have to let in the hurt. With no walls, I had nothing to stop all of the things that I had kept outside of them for all of my life. I started caring more what others thought. With not being able to keep my “family” together – my son’s father, me and our unborn baby I felt like a failure. I felt like I wasn’t good enough because if I was, my son would have his family. I didn’t have my father around and I promised that if and when I had children, they would have their family and I let my baby down.
In every relationship I’ve had since, I’ve never felt like I was good enough and I in some instances was treated like a doormat. If I was cheated on, I stayed, begging for my partner to stay. The old me would have kicked them to the curb, reminding them who I was and the respect that I demanded to be with me. But, that wasn’t the case anymore. It’s horrible to know in your heart that you deserve more but for you to then just let this hurt happen.
With Isaac, he loves me completely, he believes in me, he reminds me how wonderful he knows I am. But, if you’ve seen him, he is gorgeous and smart and so talented. He intimidates me in a good way. He inspires me to be more, to do more. In the back of my head, I wonder why he is with me and if one day, perhaps today, he is going to see what I do when I look in the mirror and high tail it out of here. I think about this more than is probably healthy. As I have learned from watching The Secret, because this is what I am thinking, it’s the energy I am bringing my way, I am going to speak it into existence. I try to fight it, I do but, if I think I’m unworthy, if I truly believe it, there’s nothing that can combat what’s going to come.
Thus where the change needs to happen. I need to be real and honest with me and not care if anyone thinks I am stuck-up, conceited or dreaming!
I think I am pretty, I think I have pretty eyes. I LOVE how silly I am. I know I have a distinct laugh but, it’s mine and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I like that I make funny faces when I speak and that I talk with my hands. Although I am not happy with my weight, I think I am sexy and know I can shed the pounds. I believe in myself. I know that I am smart and stronger than anyone gives me credit for – even myself. I know that when it matters, I always get back up when knocked down. I love my soul, I love that even with all I have been through, I still believe in the good. I still I have faith in people. I am at peace with my past. I AM AT PEACE WITH MY PAST. I am at peace with my past. Had anything been done differently I may not be living the life I have now. Everything is not perfect, but I have the perfect people in my life. I am blessed and truly grateful for where I have been and the direction I am going.
I can do this. I can be me. I deserve love and respect. I am worthy of the amazing people I have in my life. I am good enough for the man I love. I am good enough for the career I want. I am good enough to help make a difference with the causes that are close to our hearts.
Making time for me is important. I promised my sister that I would make it a priority. I think even using this time to time this blog is time for me. Allowing me to collect my thoughts and instead of them being all jumbled up with my head, I am able to type them down – forcing me to turn thoughts into sentences and then to stop and think about what I wrote. Again, I am not going back and reading any of these posts until they are live so I can’t make changes. What I write is what is going through my head right at the moment.
One more promise that I made to my sis, she told me to fix myself up, watch the video I posted yesterday a few times and then create a new one to talk about what I am grateful for. That’s my task for tomorrow. I will have a new video and of course, I’ll write a new post here.
They say you can’t change overnight, but, I can feel a change inside of me. Even when I am not on here typing, I am thinking about what I wrote already or thinking about my feelings and where I am at in life. This damn Covid-19 leaves me with so much time on my hands to spend with myself. I think I am starting to like me, feel comfortable in my skin. I’m feeling happier and more whole if that makes sense.
I sat with my son as he played video games today. He told me what he was trying to do and I cheered him on as he completed his tasks. He had his friends on the mic and his girlfriend on Facetime. It was nice to hear him laugh and be silly and for me to share in it.
Today was a day of being in the moment and accepting who I am. I love my family so much! Gosh, am I lucky to be surrounded by incredible people. Thank you sis for your time! I look forward to our call tomorrow! xo