I had a hard time sleeping last night. I kept wanting to think of all of the bad things that could go wrong in my life with everything that I am facing. I tried my best to stay positive. I kept saying to myself that I can do all things through Christ whom strengthens me. I would say it fast and realized that I was working myself up. So, I had to slow down, take in long deep breaths and appreciate the words that I was saying. When I think of God, I think of calm, cool and collected. So, I did my best to channel that. Working myself up will only defeat the positive energy I am creating, thinking bad thoughts will work against the good thoughts I have been manifesting for my life. Pausing to remind myself of all I have to be grateful for is a powerful thing.
I know that I am going to slip up, It’s inevitable. What I am learning to control is how I react to those slip ups. I can’t freak out or put my head in the sand. See, that’s what I always do and it NEVER works. Time to try something new. My Honey always quotes Albert Einstein – the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. Since I don’t believe I am insane, I need to change things up. What could it hurt? In understanding that I am a creature of habit and I fear doing something that I don’t know what the outcome will be, this will be difficult for me. I have to allow myself to make mistakes, jump and hope, not know, that I will not fall, and if I fall, instead of admitting defeat, take the time to evaluate what happened and how I can change the outcome the NEXT time I try it. I’m surprisingly excited about all of this but, the kicker will be putting this newfound braveness into action and not let it die as only words.
I’ve also decided that I need to work on forgiveness. I think I do pretty well at this, I forgive people for the wrongs that they’ve done against me. I forgive too easily sometimes. I think it’s part of my people pleasing. But, I realized that although I forgive others, I don’t forgive myself for allowing the wrongs to happen and sometimes I don’t forgive myself for forgiving them. THAT is what I need to work on. Forgiving is something that with my faith, I believe in strongly. I don’t regret forgiving those that have wronged me. My takeaway from this, what I will be working on is to be more aware of what is going on to hopefully prevent some of the wrong doings, speak up more and don’t allow these things to happen to me but moreso, if and when I have to forgive others, I will work to not shame myself for it. I deserve forgiveness as well. It’s okay for me to believe in people, to believe that they may have hurt me once but that they won’t continue to do so. It’s part of what makes me…me. At the end of the day, I will take control over my actions and be more aware of the world.
I am taking a long look at myself. Things are going to get real and perhaps ugly. But, I hope I’ll be like a caterpillar and after I come out of the cocoon, I will emerge a beautiful butterfly. I can’t guarantee which way this will go each day. But, I am committed to giving myself the attention I desperately need.