To want to share in this journey with me, you need to know who I am. I am a good person. That is what I bring to the table. I am loving and loyal and always try to do the right thing…even at the cost of losing myself. I am a people pleaser. Now, if you know me, you might say that I didn’t work hard enough to please you. But, I am so busy trying to please all of the people I love that it’s like a juggling act and eventually some balls fall. Yours may have been one of them. It was never my intent. I never want to cause pain to anyone I love. I want to be one of the main reasons they smile… I need it to validate myself. No one is perfect, and that’s hard to write. No one is perfect and unfortunately, I fall in that category.
I like to say I am not the smartest, or prettiest or strongest woman in the world but, I am good. I give all of myself to everyone else (and I apologize to those that don’t think I give enough) that I don’t ever have enough for myself. That causes me to look for it elsewhere and then I get blamed for draining those that love me. More often than not I feel like a failure. Like I am undeserving of what I have and that the people I love would be better off without me. I struggle with depression and have been sexually abused. Going out and doing things on my own are hard….sometimes terrifying. It’s gotten better over the years but, I prefer to go out with others in case I have a “shutdown moment” I am not alone. But again, that’s a strain on my family, especially my fiance who does so much for us already. So I’ll drag my feet or delay going to the store and then after a certain point, it becomes a fight. I don’t want it to get there. I never want to fight with him but, it’s beyond my control. Who in their right mind would choose to do something that they know is going to turn into something bigger?
Good things don’t happen to me and if they do, then I can guarantee that something bad will happen or the good will be taken away. I try my hardest to accept this joy and hold onto it but subconsciously I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. How can I ever expect to move forward, have everything I want if I don’t feel I deserve it? If I don’t feel like I am good enough? My Honey is AH MAZING, like I can’t even explain how much he gets me and still loves me for it. But in my head, I am holding my breath, waiting for him to see a part of me he doesn’t like or I’ll say something that is a deal breaker or do something that he can’t accept. This fear paralyzes me. I am afraid to do anything. I mean, I have him right? And he loves me and he knows my quirks and maybe if I don’t move then I can’t mess things up. Let me tell you, within these last 5 years, the majority of our major arguments are the fact that I don’t move. He sees me and knows that I am capable of more than what I am accomplishing, that I am smart and beautiful and strong even with all that I go through and for my sake, he wants me to reach my potential. He’s left more than once because of it. I am ashamed to say that I am paralyzed until the thought of losing him. See, for me, I don’t care but, for him, for our boys, I want the world for them. I want to do anything I can.
That…that, I want to do anything I can. That’s where the problem lies. This is where I want to scream. For them I want to do anything but for me, the person that I think is undeserving, I don’t want to do anything for. So, if my fear paralyzes me, how can I do for them? How can I despise me and love them? It’s impossible.
Now I need to take a hard look at myself, for myself. Why don’t I like me? Let me count the ways…
I’m ugly. Okay, but, do I really think I am ugly? All the selfies I take would say otherwise. I’m not as beautiful as some but, I am a beautiful woman. When I actually do my hair and makeup, I feel like a million bucks. – Note to self: FIX YOURSELF UP EVERYDAY
I’m fat. Yes, I am overweight and for my height I am considered obese. I need to exercise and actually like when I do but, I feel selfish doing something for me. My Honey is a great support and gym partner, I just have to give myself the opportunity to be healthy. Note to self: LOSE WEIGHT TO FEEL GREAT
I haven’t been married yet. I know this might sound stupid especially because I am engaged now but, I am 37 years old and still not married. I only want to do it once so, part of it has been my choice to wait but, in school my friends thought I would be the first to be married. Some are on their second marriage. It messed with my confidence that it hadn’t happened for me. But in this one, I have to take accountability. I could have gotten married…not with the right person or the right reasons and then I would have broken the one marriage promise to myself. Note to self: WAITING WAS RIGHT
I am afraid of failing. I am so terrified of failing that I don’t try. I want to be an Event Planner but I’m scared I’ll mess up someone’s event. I’ve planned Conventions for my last job and did so successfully but, I had the crutch of others to fall back on. If I do it myself and fail, there’s only me. I don’t want to put my family in jeopardy or ruin someone’s event. I have to try though. Not trying is worse than failing. Failing allows us to learn what doesn’t work so that when we try again, we can learn from those mistakes. There’s no learning if you never try. Note to self: YOU ARE NOW AN EVENT PLANNER
My Honey will leave me and I’ll lose my family. Isaac and the boys are my life. I know what I have to do to keep them all healthy and happy but will all my doubts, I can self-destruct at any moment and they will pay the price. Those three deserves to stay together. They fit. I blame myself now for the what if of it all falling apart in the future. What a fool. God has gifted me with these three beautiful human beings and they all love me! I must live in the moment and trust in God that he will keep us together. Note to self: MY FAMILY IS MINE! NOW AND FOREVER!
Most of this I’ve not admitted to myself before now. I am not going to edit what I’ve written or read it over before I post. This is raw and real and what I am feeling. I have learned a lot from this. I am worthy of love and of “having it all”. I can do whatever my heart desires with the knowledge that my family will support my successes and failures. God is good all of the time and if I believe in that, there’s no need to worry about bad times coming my way.
This is just the start. I’ve had my revelation. I thought I knew what I was doing with this page when I created it but, my heart is being guided differently. I am desperately seeking Stephie but, you’ll join me for many things. Learning to love myself, losing weight, happy with my family, starting my own business and so much more. This old dog is about to learn some new tricks. I hope you’ll be here to cheer me on along the way.
To Isaac, Jeremiah and Bradly – thank you for loving me when I didn’t love myself. I am sorry for what you missed out on because of the shit I was going through in my own head. You all are worth me fighting my own demons. I’ve got this. ❤